We've reached week 10:
Following on from my last post we've had a few changes and a few dramas in our usual routine. Lincoln had his 8 week injections which was awful to sit through as many of you momma's out there will know, the nurse told me to expect him to be 'a bit grumpy' afterwards and to give him calpol to reduce any fever risk. A bit Grumpy...A BIT GRUMPY!!
He was a different child! from 7pm that night he screamed the place down and refused to feed, as the night went on Jones and I sat up with him taking turns to hold Lincoln upright on our chests, the only position he was happy in. He still refused to feed throughout the night so I lay awake cradling him not daring to hardly move because everytime Lincoln woke or stirred it would set off the shrieking again. We had no smiles, no happy gurgling, it was the hardest night we've ever had as parents. Our poor boy suffering for a solid 24hours but I kept repeating to him 'we don't want you to get polio' while he cried at me accusingly. Those jabs are so important, in this day and age we are blessed to have advanced medicine and vaccinations that save so many countless lives. It was hard to watch my boy unhappy, it put me in panic mode that he wouldn't feed all night, but it's for the best. Next set of injections booked, i'll have the caffeine and the chocolates ready - for me! and some frozen breast milk lolly for Lincoln :-)
Moving on from that, I don't get a lie in anymore, in the mornings 7am hits and Lincoln is wide awake and ready for the world! So now we have a morning playtime in bed before getting up. On the plus side, I don't mind this too much because he's very nearly sleeping through the . His two nightly feeds have gone to one only and he settles immediately back down after being on the boob. Several people have commented to me that I look ' well-rested' for a new mom...HA! I am well rested! I am getting plenty of sleep and its at night time! not to brag or anything, but I know I am lucky with the nightly routine and breast feeding has definitely contributed to that.
Hashtag... Breast is Best!
Friday, 22 June 2018
Saturday, 26 May 2018
Last few weeks update
Ompf! It's been a busy. Over the last several weeks I feel that we've really settled into our new lives. I have my energy back, the stitches have healed, the flow of visitors has calmed down and receded now,I've gotten better used to Lincolns cues and needs and I've worked out something of a routine.
Every morning at 6am Lincoln wakes me up with a very heavy nappy, I change him and then take him back to my own bed for the first morning feed. Usually we fall back to sleep having a cuddle and if Jones is on a late shift he's home for the morning too so we'll have a little lie in together for another hour or so, me catching up on sleep after the two wake ups during the night. Then it's time to start my day. After dressing Lincoln in fresh clothes I take him downstairs where he snoozes in his moses basket or sits in his bouncer for an hour while I have breakfast and get myself ready. I throw a load of washing in, give the kitchen a once over, if Jones is home I'll make him breakfast. Then it's another feed for Lincoln before me and him leave the house and Daddy goes to work.
I don't drive yet, simply because of a lack of funds and higher priorities, but this has never held me back, as long as there's a bus route or I can walk I easily get out and about. Twice a week we visit family, a walk to my parents house, sometimes a walk to the park with Stacey and her kids, or a drive to the shopping mall with one of my other Sil, (sister in law). Sometimes just popping here and there for a cuppa. If I need any groceries, I'll walk to one of the local towns. I like the exercise of walking a lot and being in the pram settles Lincoln.
Lincoln will have around 3-4 feeds and corresponding changes while we're out depending on how long this is for, then we'll head home in time for another feed/change. If Lincolns asleep when we come through the door I'll take advantage and have another quick shower before prepping dinner and tidying the house. Then it's playtime, Lincoln goes on his play-mat and we do Tummy time, sing nursery rhymes, and I read Lincoln a few pages of a book, currently Harry Potter.
If Jones is on a late shift, I eat dinner alone, do another feed, then if he's grouchy I'll take Lincoln out for an early evening walk around the block. I'll give Lincoln a bath late afternoon/evening, and a baby massage that helps with his colic/wind. Another feed and cuddle while I towel dry and brush his hair, A nice fresh sleepsuit and then between 10pm-12 I usually get a few precious adult hours while Lincoln naps in his moses basket next to me. I watch some pre-recorded cooking shows, maybe an episode of Poirot, or Miss Marple. I knit a bit, look up recipes and generally just chill a little before Jones comes home.
Daddy then plays with Lincoln before he has his midnight feed and I immediately hand him back to Daddy after he's finished, because this is their time together, he has a cuddle while Lincoln sleeps on him, giving me hands free and a good relax as we exchange details about our day. If Jones is on an early shift he's home by five so we get to eat dinner together and either catch up on our shows or watch a movie with Daddy holding Lincoln or if we're lucky Lincoln naps in his moses basket next to the sofa while we have a 'couples' cuddle - we have to make the most of these now days :-) :-) haha!
On Jones days off we've managed to fluke some glorious summer time weather and taken Lincoln out for family days. So far we've had a BBQ, two picnics, a day in Stratford upon Avon accompanied by a stroll along the riverside, a day in Cannon Hill park, an afternoon de-weeding the garden, and a pub meal and walk around Bridgenorth. If its raining our days are more boring huddled indoors but we've definitely found a balance between what our lives used to be and what our roles now are as parents.
Its not all sunshine and daisies. Sometimes I feel frustrated especially if its raining all day and I can't get out of the house much. I often feel like I'm just constantly feeding, Lincoln likes short, frequent feeds on the boob and its tiring, the hormones released while breastfeeding are known as relaxants and it makes me sleepy, occasionally if we've not been able to get out for the day we'll both have a mid-afternoon nap! But I always remind myself how much easier it is to feed him on demand from breast rather than a bottle and its so much better for him in this early stage.
I'm happy that we've found ourselves a daily routine, and simple though it is, in time, the more settled Lincoln becomes the more I'll be able to do. At the moment I'm still not bothering with makeup on a daily basis, or any overly complicated hairstyles, but give it time. And then I hope to incorporate some fitness routines into my days. I'm just happy enjoying these first months of being a new mom and getting to know my baby, bonding with him every day.
6 weeks into Mom-life and loving every day no matter what.
Every morning at 6am Lincoln wakes me up with a very heavy nappy, I change him and then take him back to my own bed for the first morning feed. Usually we fall back to sleep having a cuddle and if Jones is on a late shift he's home for the morning too so we'll have a little lie in together for another hour or so, me catching up on sleep after the two wake ups during the night. Then it's time to start my day. After dressing Lincoln in fresh clothes I take him downstairs where he snoozes in his moses basket or sits in his bouncer for an hour while I have breakfast and get myself ready. I throw a load of washing in, give the kitchen a once over, if Jones is home I'll make him breakfast. Then it's another feed for Lincoln before me and him leave the house and Daddy goes to work.
I don't drive yet, simply because of a lack of funds and higher priorities, but this has never held me back, as long as there's a bus route or I can walk I easily get out and about. Twice a week we visit family, a walk to my parents house, sometimes a walk to the park with Stacey and her kids, or a drive to the shopping mall with one of my other Sil, (sister in law). Sometimes just popping here and there for a cuppa. If I need any groceries, I'll walk to one of the local towns. I like the exercise of walking a lot and being in the pram settles Lincoln.
Lincoln will have around 3-4 feeds and corresponding changes while we're out depending on how long this is for, then we'll head home in time for another feed/change. If Lincolns asleep when we come through the door I'll take advantage and have another quick shower before prepping dinner and tidying the house. Then it's playtime, Lincoln goes on his play-mat and we do Tummy time, sing nursery rhymes, and I read Lincoln a few pages of a book, currently Harry Potter.
If Jones is on a late shift, I eat dinner alone, do another feed, then if he's grouchy I'll take Lincoln out for an early evening walk around the block. I'll give Lincoln a bath late afternoon/evening, and a baby massage that helps with his colic/wind. Another feed and cuddle while I towel dry and brush his hair, A nice fresh sleepsuit and then between 10pm-12 I usually get a few precious adult hours while Lincoln naps in his moses basket next to me. I watch some pre-recorded cooking shows, maybe an episode of Poirot, or Miss Marple. I knit a bit, look up recipes and generally just chill a little before Jones comes home.
Daddy then plays with Lincoln before he has his midnight feed and I immediately hand him back to Daddy after he's finished, because this is their time together, he has a cuddle while Lincoln sleeps on him, giving me hands free and a good relax as we exchange details about our day. If Jones is on an early shift he's home by five so we get to eat dinner together and either catch up on our shows or watch a movie with Daddy holding Lincoln or if we're lucky Lincoln naps in his moses basket next to the sofa while we have a 'couples' cuddle - we have to make the most of these now days :-) :-) haha!
On Jones days off we've managed to fluke some glorious summer time weather and taken Lincoln out for family days. So far we've had a BBQ, two picnics, a day in Stratford upon Avon accompanied by a stroll along the riverside, a day in Cannon Hill park, an afternoon de-weeding the garden, and a pub meal and walk around Bridgenorth. If its raining our days are more boring huddled indoors but we've definitely found a balance between what our lives used to be and what our roles now are as parents.
Its not all sunshine and daisies. Sometimes I feel frustrated especially if its raining all day and I can't get out of the house much. I often feel like I'm just constantly feeding, Lincoln likes short, frequent feeds on the boob and its tiring, the hormones released while breastfeeding are known as relaxants and it makes me sleepy, occasionally if we've not been able to get out for the day we'll both have a mid-afternoon nap! But I always remind myself how much easier it is to feed him on demand from breast rather than a bottle and its so much better for him in this early stage.
I'm happy that we've found ourselves a daily routine, and simple though it is, in time, the more settled Lincoln becomes the more I'll be able to do. At the moment I'm still not bothering with makeup on a daily basis, or any overly complicated hairstyles, but give it time. And then I hope to incorporate some fitness routines into my days. I'm just happy enjoying these first months of being a new mom and getting to know my baby, bonding with him every day.
6 weeks into Mom-life and loving every day no matter what.
Tuesday, 8 May 2018
Baby Health Clinic
Today we walked down to the Baby Health Clinic for a weigh-in.
Nothing makes me more proud than people stopping in the street to look in the pram at my baby and exclaiming how gorgeous he is and what lovely hair and face he has.
My gorgeous boy is now 10lbs,13oz ! He's putting on weight really well, I'm so pleased especially after my concerns about him spitting up milk.
I asked about the reflux symptoms and the health advisor confirmed everything I said suggests Lincolns suffering from colic and that even in breast fed babies, its common. She recommended using the colic drops regularly and assured me there's nothing wrong with giving him this every other feed and not just when he's kicking off. I had explained its only really an issue on the evening, and she thinks this is because leaving it until he's really upset means the acid has built up all day and peaking at its worse in the evening. So today I've given him some of this DENTINOX before a feed but he clearly hates the taste and screams when I am giving it to him. 2.5ml looks like a lot when your baby doesn't like it. I cant say I blame him, obviously I was never giving my child something I hadn't tried myself, so I tasted it first and it was disgusting- sort of Minty, but strong and bitter. I slowly pump tiny bits into his mouth coaxing him to swallow it as best I can. Half way through I offered him the boob to calm him down and then afterwards when I tried to give him the rest of the drops he wouldn't have any of it and kept his lips clamped shut. I wont force the syringe into his mouth so I settled with giving him as much as I could and then let him be. Its been a few hours since and he's been much better settled this evening, he was happy enough when feeding and has been sleeping nicely in the Moses basket next to me as I sit on the sofa.
In a few days he will be four weeks old and that's considered old enough to have gripe water, I've got to try it myself first but I'm hoping it will taste better and be as successful in relieving the acid as the Dentinox has been. Time will tell.
Nothing makes me more proud than people stopping in the street to look in the pram at my baby and exclaiming how gorgeous he is and what lovely hair and face he has.
My gorgeous boy is now 10lbs,13oz ! He's putting on weight really well, I'm so pleased especially after my concerns about him spitting up milk.
I asked about the reflux symptoms and the health advisor confirmed everything I said suggests Lincolns suffering from colic and that even in breast fed babies, its common. She recommended using the colic drops regularly and assured me there's nothing wrong with giving him this every other feed and not just when he's kicking off. I had explained its only really an issue on the evening, and she thinks this is because leaving it until he's really upset means the acid has built up all day and peaking at its worse in the evening. So today I've given him some of this DENTINOX before a feed but he clearly hates the taste and screams when I am giving it to him. 2.5ml looks like a lot when your baby doesn't like it. I cant say I blame him, obviously I was never giving my child something I hadn't tried myself, so I tasted it first and it was disgusting- sort of Minty, but strong and bitter. I slowly pump tiny bits into his mouth coaxing him to swallow it as best I can. Half way through I offered him the boob to calm him down and then afterwards when I tried to give him the rest of the drops he wouldn't have any of it and kept his lips clamped shut. I wont force the syringe into his mouth so I settled with giving him as much as I could and then let him be. Its been a few hours since and he's been much better settled this evening, he was happy enough when feeding and has been sleeping nicely in the Moses basket next to me as I sit on the sofa.
In a few days he will be four weeks old and that's considered old enough to have gripe water, I've got to try it myself first but I'm hoping it will taste better and be as successful in relieving the acid as the Dentinox has been. Time will tell.
Colic?
The last few days Lincoln's been extremely uncomfortable after feeds, spitting up his milk, scrunching his face, crying until he's red and drawing his legs up, tensing his body. I've found a few times holding him high up on my shoulder has helped a little to settle him but its not a feasible method to use continuously. Friends have advised it sounds like he's suffering from acid reflux.
I'm surprised because its less common for breast-fed babies to have this problem, and we've tried burping him after feeds to help but whether or not he does burp it's not made much difference. I absolutely hate seeing Lincoln screaming in discomfort, I know how awful heartburn feels from being pregnant with him and it's not fair that such a small little human should suffer from that pain.
I've bought some infant colic drops, DENTINOX, which are suitable to give from birth but I've not been 100% sure on giving them to him. Natural methods like burping, massage and rocking haven't been helping at all and I'm worried about it getting worse because its putting him off his feeds, making latching him on harder.
I'm concerned he will lose weight if he keeps spitting up milk, even though the internet says baby spit-up looks more than it actually is, I can't help thinking it still seems a lot when his tummy is so small. Hopefully it wont last, they say it would be much worse if he was bottle feeding, so I've definitely found a renewed dedication to breast feeding. Even at times when I'm irritable and feeling a bit like he's never off my boob, I know I'm doing the best thing for him and it makes me happy to know I have it in me to not give it up.
I'm surprised because its less common for breast-fed babies to have this problem, and we've tried burping him after feeds to help but whether or not he does burp it's not made much difference. I absolutely hate seeing Lincoln screaming in discomfort, I know how awful heartburn feels from being pregnant with him and it's not fair that such a small little human should suffer from that pain.
I've bought some infant colic drops, DENTINOX, which are suitable to give from birth but I've not been 100% sure on giving them to him. Natural methods like burping, massage and rocking haven't been helping at all and I'm worried about it getting worse because its putting him off his feeds, making latching him on harder.
I'm concerned he will lose weight if he keeps spitting up milk, even though the internet says baby spit-up looks more than it actually is, I can't help thinking it still seems a lot when his tummy is so small. Hopefully it wont last, they say it would be much worse if he was bottle feeding, so I've definitely found a renewed dedication to breast feeding. Even at times when I'm irritable and feeling a bit like he's never off my boob, I know I'm doing the best thing for him and it makes me happy to know I have it in me to not give it up.
Sunday, 6 May 2018
asda cafe
Walked to asda today, after getting around the supermarket with relative ease, Lincoln woke up ready for a feed. So I headed into the 'cafe' as it's marked. Was nice to see that it was empty, turns out there was a reason for this.
After calling over the counter to the backroom for some service, I placed my order of a cappuccino and a hot chocolate for me and my mother. This is all so I could sit in their 'cafe' and feed my baby in some modicum of comfort and privacy. I was handed two empty mugs and at first assumed the cashier was barmy. Turns out the 'cafe' asda offers its customers is a do-it-yourself line up. I was directed to a coffee machine and I actually exclaimed in the cashiers face
"I've got to make my own drinks! Are you joking?"
She was taken a back by my frankness, but not as taken a back as I was by the price. £4.00 to use a naff coffee machine my sodding self!
I could have bought a box of teabags from the aisle ten steps away and used the hot tap for less!
Never the less I pressed the buttons which I am not being paid to press, while the woman who was being paid for this service returned to the back where she no doubt was enjoying a better hot beverage than what I ended up with. The most disgusting hot chocolate I'd ever been served, oh no sorry, I wasn't served this was I, the most disgusting hot chocolate I'd ever been FORCED to make myself!
Undrinkable!
So I feed my baby, who promptly spits it all back up over the sofa and my skirt! and I say to him "I've just forked out £4.00 so you could have that feed!" He's not bothered, looks like he's not happy with his drink either.
I manage to change him afterwards but obviously I didn't think to pack myself a change of clothes! so walked home with a massive patch of regurgitated milk down my leg - Oh the joys! and poor Lincoln cried for most of the journey home, I tried to soothe him while he was in his pram but he was having none of it, and the half hour walk back didn't allow for a bench to sit and hold him. Why aren't there more benches around!?
We need more outdoor seating in this city!
So that was one of our daily outings, lesson of the day: Don't go in the asda café, sit in the baby changing room instead. The discomfort of a hard wooden stool is better than an overpriced mug of drainwater.
After calling over the counter to the backroom for some service, I placed my order of a cappuccino and a hot chocolate for me and my mother. This is all so I could sit in their 'cafe' and feed my baby in some modicum of comfort and privacy. I was handed two empty mugs and at first assumed the cashier was barmy. Turns out the 'cafe' asda offers its customers is a do-it-yourself line up. I was directed to a coffee machine and I actually exclaimed in the cashiers face
"I've got to make my own drinks! Are you joking?"
She was taken a back by my frankness, but not as taken a back as I was by the price. £4.00 to use a naff coffee machine my sodding self!
I could have bought a box of teabags from the aisle ten steps away and used the hot tap for less!
Never the less I pressed the buttons which I am not being paid to press, while the woman who was being paid for this service returned to the back where she no doubt was enjoying a better hot beverage than what I ended up with. The most disgusting hot chocolate I'd ever been served, oh no sorry, I wasn't served this was I, the most disgusting hot chocolate I'd ever been FORCED to make myself!
Undrinkable!
So I feed my baby, who promptly spits it all back up over the sofa and my skirt! and I say to him "I've just forked out £4.00 so you could have that feed!" He's not bothered, looks like he's not happy with his drink either.
I manage to change him afterwards but obviously I didn't think to pack myself a change of clothes! so walked home with a massive patch of regurgitated milk down my leg - Oh the joys! and poor Lincoln cried for most of the journey home, I tried to soothe him while he was in his pram but he was having none of it, and the half hour walk back didn't allow for a bench to sit and hold him. Why aren't there more benches around!?
We need more outdoor seating in this city!
So that was one of our daily outings, lesson of the day: Don't go in the asda café, sit in the baby changing room instead. The discomfort of a hard wooden stool is better than an overpriced mug of drainwater.
Weight gain
For the last three weeks the only weight I have been concerned with is that of my son, weekly weigh-ins with the midwife has shown his 9.3lbs at birth is now 10.2lbs and gaining. I am so pleased that my breast milk is doing a good job of satisfying his hunger needs.
So now I've decided to take the plunge and look at my own weight, I need a rough idea of how much work is a head of me to get my body back in shape. I wanted to wait a few weeks until the swelling of water went down and finally my legs, feet and fingers all look proportionally back to normal.
Here it is then:
3 weeks, 2 days Post Birth, I currently weigh in at 13.2 stone.
Equivalent to 184 lbs.
My height is 5,9
So for a woman of that height, aged 25 a healthy weight on the BMI is 152 lbs.
I need to lose 2.5 stone to regain a healthy balanced shape and improve my fitness level.
I've already agreed with myself that I wont worry about serious dieting/workouts until my six weeks recovery period is over, but I am ready to cut back on the junk I've steadily been eating the last two months. An hours walk with the pram is currently exhausting me, and makes my down below stitches ache like a bitch, so in fairness I know my body is not ready for anything more intense yet. I'm starting with a few simple enough changes.
So now I've decided to take the plunge and look at my own weight, I need a rough idea of how much work is a head of me to get my body back in shape. I wanted to wait a few weeks until the swelling of water went down and finally my legs, feet and fingers all look proportionally back to normal.
Here it is then:
3 weeks, 2 days Post Birth, I currently weigh in at 13.2 stone.
Equivalent to 184 lbs.
My height is 5,9
So for a woman of that height, aged 25 a healthy weight on the BMI is 152 lbs.
I need to lose 2.5 stone to regain a healthy balanced shape and improve my fitness level.
I've already agreed with myself that I wont worry about serious dieting/workouts until my six weeks recovery period is over, but I am ready to cut back on the junk I've steadily been eating the last two months. An hours walk with the pram is currently exhausting me, and makes my down below stitches ache like a bitch, so in fairness I know my body is not ready for anything more intense yet. I'm starting with a few simple enough changes.
- Cutting back on my man versus food portions
- snacking on fruit instead of junk
- and making sure I eat breakfast.
Alongside a walk every day (hopefully weather permitting) and keeping the changing table stationed upstairs so I'm up and down the stairs at least seven additional times a day.
Water: while pregnant I was easily drinking seven pints of squash/water a day. Since Lincolns birth I've been too preoccupied to keep an eye on my intake of fluids. I'll definitely have to be more mindful now those seven pints have reduced to about 2.5 - not nearly enough.
So that's the beginning of the weight loss plan. Nothing major, nothing overly ambitious, just a start.
Wednesday, 2 May 2018
cant put baby down
2 weeks 5 days...
Either Lincoln has separation issues already, or he's figured out if he cries Momma or Daddy will hold him. The last few days my mobility has been reduced significantly by my baby crying whenever he's put down, even if he was asleep to begin with as soon as I lay him down he's kicking off.
I'm currently writing this blog one handed on a laptop balanced on my lap while I hold the baby in one arm resting on a pillow. I'm debating buying a baby wrap-sling to have him strapped to me all the time, or sticking it out with persistence to get him to settle in his own crib. Hmmm, we still haven't given a dummy yet. They don't recommend dummies for breast fed babies, but we do have a packet of them unopened (just in case) I'm starting to wonder if it would be a good idea to soothe him when he's not actually wanting the boob!
Either Lincoln has separation issues already, or he's figured out if he cries Momma or Daddy will hold him. The last few days my mobility has been reduced significantly by my baby crying whenever he's put down, even if he was asleep to begin with as soon as I lay him down he's kicking off.
I'm currently writing this blog one handed on a laptop balanced on my lap while I hold the baby in one arm resting on a pillow. I'm debating buying a baby wrap-sling to have him strapped to me all the time, or sticking it out with persistence to get him to settle in his own crib. Hmmm, we still haven't given a dummy yet. They don't recommend dummies for breast fed babies, but we do have a packet of them unopened (just in case) I'm starting to wonder if it would be a good idea to soothe him when he's not actually wanting the boob!
Tuesday, 1 May 2018
Co-sleeping...?
We're only a few weeks in, and already Lincoln is on and off settling in his own crib. Some nights we're blessed and his tired little self is too sleepy to notice, he just sleeps in his bed comfortably next to mine. Other nights, its not so simple. He's crying for a feed, so I bring him over and nurse him in my bed sometimes holding him while I sit up, or I lie down with him feeding on his side next to me. He drops off to sleep and I gently slide/lift him back to his own crib, I set him down, move my hands away annnnnnnnd....cry cry cry.
Ok, Momma's here, I bring him back to my side and instantly the crying stops and he's content again. I'll say now and forcibly, I do not agree with leaving a newborn to "Cry it out" a part from the fact his screaming would do our heads in, and wake us up more, its not maternal or nurturing in my opinion to let an innocent, unknowing baby to cry in distress without comforting them.
So, we have a dilemma, Co-sleeping is not recommended, although a lot of parents do this. Neither Adam or myself want to start a habit that will take years to break, but my little bear is so much happier next to me in bed and I get a better nights rest for it. What do we do?
I continue to try to coax him to his own bed, and like I say, sometimes he does accept this, but not always. Are we starting a bad habit? Are we sacrificing our relationship already by allowing little one to share our bed? Or are we following nature like so many other species of mammals who co-sleep with their young. Are these few years precious enough that we can forsake strict advice and allow Lincoln free rule at nighttime? Are we spoiling him already? or are we nurturing him lovingly?
All these questions first time parents face and no one can really answer, only time will tell. But I wanted to share as our first main dilemma we face as parents.
Ok, Momma's here, I bring him back to my side and instantly the crying stops and he's content again. I'll say now and forcibly, I do not agree with leaving a newborn to "Cry it out" a part from the fact his screaming would do our heads in, and wake us up more, its not maternal or nurturing in my opinion to let an innocent, unknowing baby to cry in distress without comforting them.
So, we have a dilemma, Co-sleeping is not recommended, although a lot of parents do this. Neither Adam or myself want to start a habit that will take years to break, but my little bear is so much happier next to me in bed and I get a better nights rest for it. What do we do?
I continue to try to coax him to his own bed, and like I say, sometimes he does accept this, but not always. Are we starting a bad habit? Are we sacrificing our relationship already by allowing little one to share our bed? Or are we following nature like so many other species of mammals who co-sleep with their young. Are these few years precious enough that we can forsake strict advice and allow Lincoln free rule at nighttime? Are we spoiling him already? or are we nurturing him lovingly?
All these questions first time parents face and no one can really answer, only time will tell. But I wanted to share as our first main dilemma we face as parents.
Surprise Baby Shower
My sister in law Stacey offered to take me shopping for some baby stuff and to get some lunch so I was well up for that, I've been feeling pretty crap with the pain in my back and generally feeling exhausted. When she picked me up she said we'd got to go for something to eat now because she hadn't eaten and was starving. Okay then, we hadn't discussed where we were going, but she headed down the main road so I figured it was towards the Macdonald's but as she pulled out at the lights she practically barked that we were going for a carvery because she fancied carvery. Okay then, I should point out you generally do not argue with my sister in law, and she seemed pretty damn keen so I was like yeah whatever, just go with it.
When we got to the Carvery house we walked in and Stacey asked me if we had to wait to be seated, since I'd been here before I knew I just helped myself to a seat, I was about to point to the quiet part of the place when Stacey said "I'm going to look at the food!" Jesus Christ, the woman must be starving! we hadn't even sat down yet and she was marching over to the food counter! I followed her and then noticed a work friend Michaela sitting on the end of a large table, I figured she was with her family but I was going to head over and say hello when I saw she was sat next to Denise another work friend. Michaela saw me and immediately looked away bright red. Well I was not surprised, those two have obviously come out for a meal and not bothered to invite me! Charming! and now she is avoiding my gaze, so I started over there to give a piece of my mind and as I approached I saw Becky sat at the same table as Michaela's family and only then did I realise it wasn't Michaela's family at all, but a large table of all my female family members and friends. A big blue sign said it was Sian's Baby Shower and my niece Katelyn came bouncing up to hug me as I started crying.
Stacey who I thought had gone to the food was around the corner with my other sister in laws and I was completely overwhelmed. I'd had no idea, in fact Stacey had told me a month or so before hand that Baby Showers were stupid and American, so I never expected such an event planned out for me.
Natalie, one of my dearest friends, and my sister in laws had planned the whole event out between them, there were games Natalie organised, and table treats, and my sisters had bought an amazing gorgeous cake! We all had food, and I was blown away by all the presents. On opening them all the next morning I found everything I needed for baby, things I'd worried about needing but hadn't gotten around to yet, and clothes for him. Truly surprised and thankful for such a lovely surprise.
When we got to the Carvery house we walked in and Stacey asked me if we had to wait to be seated, since I'd been here before I knew I just helped myself to a seat, I was about to point to the quiet part of the place when Stacey said "I'm going to look at the food!" Jesus Christ, the woman must be starving! we hadn't even sat down yet and she was marching over to the food counter! I followed her and then noticed a work friend Michaela sitting on the end of a large table, I figured she was with her family but I was going to head over and say hello when I saw she was sat next to Denise another work friend. Michaela saw me and immediately looked away bright red. Well I was not surprised, those two have obviously come out for a meal and not bothered to invite me! Charming! and now she is avoiding my gaze, so I started over there to give a piece of my mind and as I approached I saw Becky sat at the same table as Michaela's family and only then did I realise it wasn't Michaela's family at all, but a large table of all my female family members and friends. A big blue sign said it was Sian's Baby Shower and my niece Katelyn came bouncing up to hug me as I started crying.
Stacey who I thought had gone to the food was around the corner with my other sister in laws and I was completely overwhelmed. I'd had no idea, in fact Stacey had told me a month or so before hand that Baby Showers were stupid and American, so I never expected such an event planned out for me.
Natalie, one of my dearest friends, and my sister in laws had planned the whole event out between them, there were games Natalie organised, and table treats, and my sisters had bought an amazing gorgeous cake! We all had food, and I was blown away by all the presents. On opening them all the next morning I found everything I needed for baby, things I'd worried about needing but hadn't gotten around to yet, and clothes for him. Truly surprised and thankful for such a lovely surprise.
Mom body acceptance
Remember I mentioned some time ago that I'd become so body conscious of my pregnant figure that I'd been hiding my naked self from Adam for months... post pregnant, my body has not improved, however I simply have accepted this is what I look like right now.
It was the birth that gave me this freedom. I was nearly naked and went through the hardest ordeal of my life, with Adam there every step of the way. He saw everything, the blood, the horror, the baby the placenta. He said there was so much blood after the birth it was like a murder scene. Afterwards, with legs up in stirrups and so many medical staff in and out, you lose all dignity as a woman. I cant count how many people saw my privates! I had practically lost the use of my legs, the stitches hurt a lot and it was hard to move on and off the bed.
Having to stay in hospital meant I had to use their facilities which was no easy task. The lowest moment was when Adam had to help me in and out of a bath. My ruined marked body, absolutely starker's, bared completely and in that moment my soul was bared too. I cannot describe the kind of bond that's built between a couple after a birth. The horror we've just witnessed together, the recovery process and having to depend on my man to be there for me, which he has been every second, and looking after this little human we've made together.
I now find my insecurities have just disappeared because for the first time I am accepting that this is my body right now, and Adam is my love and he's accepted it along with me. I know I wont stay this way forever, I'll diet and exercise and I'm going to train my body back to fitness, but for the time being I'm ok with looking the way I do, because I've made and birthed and nursed a human being, and I survived. My body right now is physical evidence I survived the hardest experience of my life and I am blessed with a baby boy in exchange.
It was the birth that gave me this freedom. I was nearly naked and went through the hardest ordeal of my life, with Adam there every step of the way. He saw everything, the blood, the horror, the baby the placenta. He said there was so much blood after the birth it was like a murder scene. Afterwards, with legs up in stirrups and so many medical staff in and out, you lose all dignity as a woman. I cant count how many people saw my privates! I had practically lost the use of my legs, the stitches hurt a lot and it was hard to move on and off the bed.
Having to stay in hospital meant I had to use their facilities which was no easy task. The lowest moment was when Adam had to help me in and out of a bath. My ruined marked body, absolutely starker's, bared completely and in that moment my soul was bared too. I cannot describe the kind of bond that's built between a couple after a birth. The horror we've just witnessed together, the recovery process and having to depend on my man to be there for me, which he has been every second, and looking after this little human we've made together.
I now find my insecurities have just disappeared because for the first time I am accepting that this is my body right now, and Adam is my love and he's accepted it along with me. I know I wont stay this way forever, I'll diet and exercise and I'm going to train my body back to fitness, but for the time being I'm ok with looking the way I do, because I've made and birthed and nursed a human being, and I survived. My body right now is physical evidence I survived the hardest experience of my life and I am blessed with a baby boy in exchange.
Nappy changes -BOY's wee
As if changing eight nappies a day wasn't enough, every time I change Lincolns nappy his little winky goes shooting around left, right, up in the air whizzing wee over me, over himself, up the wall. 8am, half asleep from being up in the night, and he whizzes a tremendous arch of piss, which pools on the waterproof changing mat and promptly runs up so my boy is lying in a puddle of urine, its soaked his clothes and all the back of his hair. Great!
So we have to get him stripped off and wash all his back and hair, and re-clothe him.
And he'll poop and wait until I've cleaned him up and changed his nappy and re-clothed him before deciding "I'm going to poop again" with a huge loud windpipe noise, I can't believe it, over and over again.
How about the time he'd pooped in his nappy and as I was changing him, he wrestled his leg out of my grip and planted his foot right in his dirty nappy. Awesome kid, just awesome, now the shit's all up his leg and in his toes. Another wash required!
Best to date, is I'd just cleaned up poop, and I was putting the new nappy underneath his bottom when he farted like a trooper and boom, a jet of mustard yellow poop comes splattering all over my hand, up my arm, all over the changing mat, its literally everywhere. I was holding his wriggling feet with my clean hand and trying to sort out the horrific mess with my pooped on hand. Urgh!
I've had my PJ's whizzed on and I've found too much nappy cream makes his nappy leak when he whizzes so his bed linen has gotten soaked and his sleepsuits. Note to new moms: You can never have enough cot sheets, blankets, vests and sleepsuits. Everything else is secondary. Have plenty of these items in stock. Our washing machine is constantly on!
So we have to get him stripped off and wash all his back and hair, and re-clothe him.
And he'll poop and wait until I've cleaned him up and changed his nappy and re-clothed him before deciding "I'm going to poop again" with a huge loud windpipe noise, I can't believe it, over and over again.
How about the time he'd pooped in his nappy and as I was changing him, he wrestled his leg out of my grip and planted his foot right in his dirty nappy. Awesome kid, just awesome, now the shit's all up his leg and in his toes. Another wash required!
Best to date, is I'd just cleaned up poop, and I was putting the new nappy underneath his bottom when he farted like a trooper and boom, a jet of mustard yellow poop comes splattering all over my hand, up my arm, all over the changing mat, its literally everywhere. I was holding his wriggling feet with my clean hand and trying to sort out the horrific mess with my pooped on hand. Urgh!
I've had my PJ's whizzed on and I've found too much nappy cream makes his nappy leak when he whizzes so his bed linen has gotten soaked and his sleepsuits. Note to new moms: You can never have enough cot sheets, blankets, vests and sleepsuits. Everything else is secondary. Have plenty of these items in stock. Our washing machine is constantly on!
Breast feeding
I'm a 100% for breastfeeding.
All through the pregnancy I have said without quibble that I will be breastfeeding, and I've scoffed when people have suggested I might not be able to. In my mind, nothing was going to prevent me from feeding my child the way nature intended. One good thing about being in hospital for a week is that I had a Lactation consultant on hand all day so if I ran into any trouble or had a question, she was there to support and advise.
I was initially worried my baby wouldn't latch because I'd missed out on that precious first hour of skin to skin contact and by the time I was able to cuddle and nurse him I was worried he wouldn't feel secure enough in the bond to feed. Whether it was luck or nature, I can't say but my baby opened his mouth wide and I cradled him to my breast for the first time and after a few painful twinges he was latched and he fed perfectly. Since then I've had no trouble attaching him and he's fed sometimes for ten minutes, other times it's been a stretch of forty minutes.
The hospital ward was so hot I could only sit in my bra and a pair of Adam's boxers to feel semi-comfortable, sweat was pouring out of me, especially when nursing. So cover ups went out of the non existent window. Everyone in that maternity unit has seen my boob! Half the family has seen my boob now! Adams brother has seen my boob! I've lost all hang ups about that, I was in too much of a worn out, crashed out state to care. Maybe that's why baby has taken to it so well, because he can sense his mother doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks anymore haha!
I will say there was a first time Mom next to me who really struggled to breast feed her baby, but continued to persevere so I know its not a walk in the park for everyone, but persistence and relaxation is key.
If I am stressing it, my baby stresses too. I have to be calm and assertive without getting irritable and then I find baby latches on and feeds perfectly. If he unlatches himself or I find its uncomfortable I just gently pop him off and reposition him. Even though breast feeding means you feed baby on demand, which can be constantly, you still have to maintain control while nursing. You position baby, you hold baby in a way that feels right and you lead the way.
There are so many benefits to breast feeding, the first three days was pure colostrum, the best nourishment for a newborn anyone can offer. My real milk came in on day four. Yes it's tiring, and yes sometimes I feel like a cow, no one else can just offer to feed him to give me a break. Sometimes were up all night, and at 2 weeks 3 days old he fed almost constantly from 1pm-8pm, with just 5-10 min breaks every half hour, enough for me to have a toilet break, drink and swap boob!
But the benefits of breast feeding far outweigh the negatives.
Breast milk dispenses immediately, at the right temperature, so when my baby cries it lasts all of 30seconds before boob is available to him keeping him happy and quiet.
No waiting for formula in the kitchen at 2am, I don't even have to leave bed.
No sterilising bottles.
No need to burp a Breast fed baby, as no air is being sucked up. The occasional burp happens but its rare.
Less risk of colic or reflux, again because no air is being sucked up.
Breast milk contains all the mothers antibodies and helps build babies immune system.
If I inhale any germ, my milk immediately starts to change to offer immunity against that germ
Breasts supply as much milk as baby requires, so if baby feeds more hungrily your breasts develop more milk supply to keep up with demand.
Breast feeding reduces risk of SIDs, which was the main reason I was adamant about feeding this way.
Breast feeding makes the uterus shrink back faster and it helps with weight loss due to all the calories it burns.
and it secures a bond between mother and child, no one else will ever have. These precious weeks-months that I exclusively breast feed, it will build a bond nothing can come between. Even though he wont remember this, I will and this is our special time together, not his dad, or his family can have this with him. The most natural thing in the world.
All through the pregnancy I have said without quibble that I will be breastfeeding, and I've scoffed when people have suggested I might not be able to. In my mind, nothing was going to prevent me from feeding my child the way nature intended. One good thing about being in hospital for a week is that I had a Lactation consultant on hand all day so if I ran into any trouble or had a question, she was there to support and advise.
I was initially worried my baby wouldn't latch because I'd missed out on that precious first hour of skin to skin contact and by the time I was able to cuddle and nurse him I was worried he wouldn't feel secure enough in the bond to feed. Whether it was luck or nature, I can't say but my baby opened his mouth wide and I cradled him to my breast for the first time and after a few painful twinges he was latched and he fed perfectly. Since then I've had no trouble attaching him and he's fed sometimes for ten minutes, other times it's been a stretch of forty minutes.
The hospital ward was so hot I could only sit in my bra and a pair of Adam's boxers to feel semi-comfortable, sweat was pouring out of me, especially when nursing. So cover ups went out of the non existent window. Everyone in that maternity unit has seen my boob! Half the family has seen my boob now! Adams brother has seen my boob! I've lost all hang ups about that, I was in too much of a worn out, crashed out state to care. Maybe that's why baby has taken to it so well, because he can sense his mother doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks anymore haha!
I will say there was a first time Mom next to me who really struggled to breast feed her baby, but continued to persevere so I know its not a walk in the park for everyone, but persistence and relaxation is key.
If I am stressing it, my baby stresses too. I have to be calm and assertive without getting irritable and then I find baby latches on and feeds perfectly. If he unlatches himself or I find its uncomfortable I just gently pop him off and reposition him. Even though breast feeding means you feed baby on demand, which can be constantly, you still have to maintain control while nursing. You position baby, you hold baby in a way that feels right and you lead the way.
There are so many benefits to breast feeding, the first three days was pure colostrum, the best nourishment for a newborn anyone can offer. My real milk came in on day four. Yes it's tiring, and yes sometimes I feel like a cow, no one else can just offer to feed him to give me a break. Sometimes were up all night, and at 2 weeks 3 days old he fed almost constantly from 1pm-8pm, with just 5-10 min breaks every half hour, enough for me to have a toilet break, drink and swap boob!
But the benefits of breast feeding far outweigh the negatives.
Breast milk dispenses immediately, at the right temperature, so when my baby cries it lasts all of 30seconds before boob is available to him keeping him happy and quiet.
No waiting for formula in the kitchen at 2am, I don't even have to leave bed.
No sterilising bottles.
No need to burp a Breast fed baby, as no air is being sucked up. The occasional burp happens but its rare.
Less risk of colic or reflux, again because no air is being sucked up.
Breast milk contains all the mothers antibodies and helps build babies immune system.
If I inhale any germ, my milk immediately starts to change to offer immunity against that germ
Breasts supply as much milk as baby requires, so if baby feeds more hungrily your breasts develop more milk supply to keep up with demand.
Breast feeding reduces risk of SIDs, which was the main reason I was adamant about feeding this way.
Breast feeding makes the uterus shrink back faster and it helps with weight loss due to all the calories it burns.
and it secures a bond between mother and child, no one else will ever have. These precious weeks-months that I exclusively breast feed, it will build a bond nothing can come between. Even though he wont remember this, I will and this is our special time together, not his dad, or his family can have this with him. The most natural thing in the world.
Scared of everything
I’ve been asked if I’ve found parenthood harder than I
thought it would be, mostly I would say no, because I anticipated the night
feeds, the dozen nappy changes a day, the eating cold food because I don’t get
a spare minute to myself yet etc. What I am truly finding hard is the constant
worry.
I’ve always been a brave person, I’m not scared of much.
Suddenly I am terrified of everything. I’m scared to sleep or leave the room in
case my baby stops breathing. I’m scared to take him outside in case an insect
stings him, or a person coughs germs on him. I’m scared of pushing the pram by
main roads, (I live in the city so practically every road is a busy one). My
stress levels are through the roof, I just want to put myself and my baby in a
world proof safety bubble and keep us there, forever!
Are all new moms this neurotic? I know I am paranoid and that
I sound like the typical over anxious and irrational mom but I can’t help it. It’s
only the beginning, I know deep down that no matter how much I force myself out
and about with my baby, and how many times I calm myself down, I’ll be worrying
about him for the rest of my life. It goes with the territory I suppose.
First night home
They finally released us from hospital at 10:30pm. Fresh air never felt so good. Stacey drove us home and after nearly a week away, my house finally felt like a proper home. I looked into my living room, a bit mystified. The last time I'd been here, I was in agony screaming into a pillow.
I cried a bit from the happiness and relief of returning home, feeling lucky to be alive and with my precious boy who was currently asleep in his car-seat.
I had set up a moses basket with rocking stand in our room for baby to sleep in. I immediately moved it so it was nestled as close to my side of the bed as possible. Then for the rest of the night I couldn't sleep. Every time I lay down I couldn't see my baby, which stressed me out. The cot at the hospital was clear plastic so I could always see him through the side, and I'd gotten used to that. I kept freaking out scared that he would stop breathing and I missed that orange button you could push for a midwife at any time of day or night. Suddenly there was no medical staff on hand, no medical equipment and we were alone with our baby, his safety and health completely in our hands. I just stared over his crib for most of the night watching his little chest rise and fall.
It only took a few days before I couldn't hack the moses basket anymore, and we bought a next to me crib with drop down side. Now I was more chilled, so I highly recommend these for first time parents. I can now glance over whenever I need to and see that baby is doing fine during the night, and when he wakes for a feed I can slide him over to me, nurse him in bed and then slide him back to his own crib. Its better for peace of mind and for my own sleep needs.
Baby blues
Baby blues.
The morning of day three in hospital, it was maybe 4am, 5am.
I’d been awake all night with Lincoln crying and I didn’t know what to do. He
would only be quiet if I held him, and I kept worrying he’d stop breathing if I
put him in his cot. So I stayed awake all night holding him and rocking him and
I was exhausted. I kept thinking how everyone on the ward must think I was a
terrible mother who couldn’t keep her baby settled. I missed Adam so much it
hurt. In 2 years we’d not spent a night a part, ever since moving into the
house. I couldn’t stand being in this clinical ward, with these other women,
under temperatures suitable for the amazon jungle and not able to see the sky
or smell fresh air. I missed my family, most of whom were miles away. My baby
was being pumped with antibiotics and so was I, I had no idea if he’d be ok,
constantly waiting for updates on his blood results. I felt in that moment
utterly alone, looking at my baby who seemed as upset as I was, and it would be
hours before Adam was allowed back onto the ward. Tears came then, I cried
because I missed Adam, because I was so tired, because I was so fed up with the
hospital. I then felt guilty, how could I be so upset when I had a wonderful
little baby? I’d waited so long for this and now I was crying on my bedside.
The midwife caught me, she said day three is baby blues, and perfectly normal. I
cried more throughout the following days, when they told me we had to stay
longer than expected, when we finally got to go home, just holding my baby
thinking how lovely he is. The following week would be an emotional roller-coaster,
up and down, up and down, but it did pass. With lots of support from my family,
especially my sister in law Stacey who has seen more tears from me than most
people and her advice and support has kept me sane half the time. I still feel
teary at moments, just thinking about returning to work and having to leave my
precious boy has me welling up, but I know every bridge I have to cross I am
capable of crossing, and that’s the important thing.
The Labour.
(Disclaimer: Some readers may find detail upsetting. Mention of medical procedures.)
10:30am Thursday- Waters broke. The stupid cow at the
hospital tried to tell me they had not broken, until I moved and it practically
went in her face. We were told to go home and wait for the pains or to come
back at 8am the following day as that would be the day for inducing anyway.
2:28am Friday 13th - I awoke with the pains, mild
cramps in my lower belly and I thought “uh oh! Its finally started, two weeks
over due and a day away from being induced, my labour is finally here” I was
excited and prepared.
I waited until 3am to phone the hospital and alert them that
my labour had started, I’d timed contractions which were surprisingly 2-3 minutes
a part but the pains were very mild. They advised me to wait until they became
very painful. I told Adam to stay in bed and sleep because he’d need his rest, and
I headed downstairs to watch some TV and bounce on my birth ball practicing my
breathing techniques. I’d been practicing these for months and I was so
mentally prepared I was practically cocky and smug while I rocked and rolled on
my huge birth ball. “Oh yeah,” I thought as it hit 4am “I am so a natural at
this, I’m doing great” I was texting my cousin and I was reading a book on
kindle, then everything changed, rapidly.
By 4:30am I’d gone from absolutely fine, breathing through
mild cramps, to crying into a pillow, hanging over the sofa on all fours as my
belly felt like it was being ripped a part. I tried several times to get
through to the hospital, now finding the line just ringing out. I was starting
to panic because this was too painful, too fast. This was only the beginning! I
staggered upstairs to wake Adam who jumped into logical calm mode and told me
to relax while he checked we had everything we needed. It was 5am, I calculated
quickly that my dad would have already left for work and my two brothers and their
wives were an hour away from leaving for a weekend holiday. We potentially had
time to get hold of them.
I phoned Stacey, my sister in law, and she flew into action
racing up the road in her car to collect us and our hospital bags. I was
screaming, the pain was coming in waves, crashing through my body every minute.
What had happened to my breathing method? I could barely stand on my feet, let
alone focus on my inhalation. I could hear Adam and Stacey timing between my
cries of pain and my panting breath, it was every minute. I could feel the
panic in Stacey’s voice, she thought I was going to have this baby in her car.
I repeated over and over that I had only started a few hours ago, that the
hospital had told me to wait, but this pain came on so fast I was scared
shitless.
We arrived at the hospital at 5:30am, said goodbye to Stacey
and headed into the clinical white lights. The journey up the elevator and
through the corridors seemed to take forever, I was hunched over and tears were
still running down my face. I had on the most stupid brightly coloured summer
dress, the first thing to come to hand. They bundled me on a bed and finally I got
hold of the Gas and Air….I’ll take a moment now to say, what truly wonderful
stuff that is. Sucking on that pipe, I clung to it like a lifeline keeping me
from falling into the flames of Hell. I remembered what mom said, to only suck
on the gas when the pains were happening otherwise it would make me delirious, but
the pains were coming constantly. My memory does fade in and out for the next
few hours, the gas and air was wonderful at first, and I was four cm dilated on
arrival so I knew things were happening. I kept apologising for making such a
fuss, I hated that I was one of those women screaming, I thought I’d be a
trooper and cope so well, I was wrong.
The pain in my spine was excruciating, I was writhing around
on the bed and I was so hot I thought I would combust. My whole body was raging
in heat. Several men came flooding into the room. The whole time Adam was at my
side like a pillar of stone, keeping me safe. They plugged IV’s into my hands
to pump me with antibiotics because my temperature had spiked and there was a
risk of infection. Get this dress off me! It’s strangling me, they got it off
and I was in my bra. Vaguely I thought of the nightie I bought specially which
was still in my bag. I could feel my body pushing, a pressure so hard it was
grinding against every nerve I had in my back. My birth plan was a page and
half long, said things like: NO pethidine, NO Epidural, I want as natural as
possible. I don’t want any interference unless absolutely necessary. ….My birth
plan, was BULLSHIT. I started to ask for more pain relief when the gas and air
stopped helping, I wanted something stronger, I demanded they give me the pethidine,
I wanted it now.
“It’s too late, you’re already 9.5cm, you’ve contracted very
fast, it will probably just slow the labour now”
What!! I couldn’t believe it, I’d missed my chance! So I sucked
deeper on the gas and I was now pushing. The midwife was telling me to do what my
body was telling me, but my body was telling me this baby was ripping me a
part. I moved to be on all fours but soon the Doctor made me roll onto my back
because the IV’s were too tangled. They kept saying they couldn’t keep babies
heartbeat, I couldn’t keep still, the pain was rushing through my stomach down
into my privates and my spine was breaking! They hauled my legs into stirrups
and the Doctor took the gas and air off me! I wasn’t pushing well enough while
taking the gas, I needed to do this on my own breathing. I thought I was going
to die. Every contraction my baby’s heartbeat was dropping, I was so scared I pushed
so hard, three big pushes every contraction, squeezing Adams hand so hard
focussing on his voice. God my back was splitting open, it was agony, the
Doctor cut me down below, and helped to get the baby’s head out, they said it
was out, I pushed again and the pain in my spine vanished instantly, like
magic, it was 9:25am, my 9.3lbs baby was purple and wet and lifted onto my body, his
head was covered in wet black hair, I touched a finger to his hair, shaking, he
wasn’t crying. They cut his cord so fast and took him away, he was across the
room under a bright light and two men were with him and he started crying and I
kept asking if he was ok and they assured me he was ok, but they needed to take
him away to get him an IV for antibiotics. I didn’t want him taken away, he
seemed to be gone for ages. They injected me for delivering the placenta, but
it didn’t come immediately, nearly half an hour went by and the doctor said
they would prep theatre if it didn’t come in the next few minutes, I heard the
word theatre and pushed again with all the strength I had left and thankfully
it came then. The doctor gave me the gas and air again while he stitched me
back up, and I don’t remember a lot about that because I sucked on that gas
like a trooper, but my baby was still out of the room and I wanted him back.
Finally
they wheeled him back in and he was back underneath the bright light, I could
see him wrapped up with a hat that was too big on his head, he was so far away
across the room, I was desperate to hold him. Adam dressed him and although it
took so long before he was in my arms, the moment I held him and put him to my
breast and he latched on, I knew I was a Mother and that I would do anything,
survive anything, fight anything, for my son. 
Overdue
We're overdue, more than a week. As every day comes and goes and still no sign of labour I get more irritable and highly strung out. Two other women I know have already had their babies and I am still sat here waiting for mine. Every time I stand up I expect my waters to break. Every time I move a member of my family is poised holding their breath hoping something starts.
I've had two sweeps and both were extremely uncomfortable and I gritted my teeth hoping it would start me off. The pain in my lower back is killing me, I can barely walk now. My belly is huge and hanging heavily on my spine, I can't sleep through the pain, I struggle up and down the stairs and every time I sit on the toilet my knees are aching with every bend. I desperately, desperately want this pregnancy over, once I have my baby it will all be worth it and I can start to recover.
We've tried exercises, I've been drinking raspberry leaf tea every day, we've even had sex several times to try and bring this labour on but still nothing. It's the most frustrating wait of my life.
I've had two sweeps and both were extremely uncomfortable and I gritted my teeth hoping it would start me off. The pain in my lower back is killing me, I can barely walk now. My belly is huge and hanging heavily on my spine, I can't sleep through the pain, I struggle up and down the stairs and every time I sit on the toilet my knees are aching with every bend. I desperately, desperately want this pregnancy over, once I have my baby it will all be worth it and I can start to recover.
We've tried exercises, I've been drinking raspberry leaf tea every day, we've even had sex several times to try and bring this labour on but still nothing. It's the most frustrating wait of my life.
baby movements
A couple of times I've not felt baby move for hours and hours and we've gone rushing to the hospital to get monitored and every time I've been relieved when they've picked up his little heartbeat and I've heard it beating. More recently I am getting more and more worked up. He usually moves and kicks me so much that as soon as several hours go by without any feeling, I start to panic. We've come so far now I just want him here to hold him and know he's ok. While he's inside I keep worrying that something is going to go wrong before the end, I hate it.
I want him here now so badly it's like an ache.
I want him here now so badly it's like an ache.
Body conscious, week 35
I've become a whale.
My breasts, belly, thighs, legs, fingers, feet, face have all swollen, and I look like a beached whale. My breasts have lost their perkiness, and my nipples are bigger. My belly button has nearly popped out. I've lost my colour, paling and looking constantly worn out. I hobble everywhere now because the pelvic girdle pain is bowing my hips.
I'm in a state of panic about Adam seeing my body the way it is, so I'm hiding away and not letting him see me with my clothes off. I know my body has to go through these changes to have a baby but I was not mentally prepared for how drastically my looks would change. I feel like an ugly, huge, waddling freak. I hate it. I hate feeling fat and I hate thinking I'll never feel sexy again.
The other morning, I got out of the shower, came into the bedroom and we've had a new mirror put up. I saw myself naked in the mirror and burst into tears. I sat sobbing on the edge of the bed for a good while, thinking I'll never look right again. I've become a grotesque monster. No woman should feel this way, its a harsh reality to face, I haven't felt this ugly since I was thirteen. No...I take that back, I have NEVER felt this ugly before.
My breasts, belly, thighs, legs, fingers, feet, face have all swollen, and I look like a beached whale. My breasts have lost their perkiness, and my nipples are bigger. My belly button has nearly popped out. I've lost my colour, paling and looking constantly worn out. I hobble everywhere now because the pelvic girdle pain is bowing my hips.
I'm in a state of panic about Adam seeing my body the way it is, so I'm hiding away and not letting him see me with my clothes off. I know my body has to go through these changes to have a baby but I was not mentally prepared for how drastically my looks would change. I feel like an ugly, huge, waddling freak. I hate it. I hate feeling fat and I hate thinking I'll never feel sexy again.
The other morning, I got out of the shower, came into the bedroom and we've had a new mirror put up. I saw myself naked in the mirror and burst into tears. I sat sobbing on the edge of the bed for a good while, thinking I'll never look right again. I've become a grotesque monster. No woman should feel this way, its a harsh reality to face, I haven't felt this ugly since I was thirteen. No...I take that back, I have NEVER felt this ugly before.
Pelvic girdle pain
For weeks there's been a severe shooting pain going up the right hand side of my spine. Every time I am sat in my desk at work it doesn't matter what position, I find this shooting pain sears up my back like a sharp knife. I've spent ten minutes at a time locked in the work toilet on my hands and knees rocking to try to dispel the pain and gone back to my desk feeling broken. My hips are aching every day and walking is becoming so hard now.
Finally after consistently ending up in tears at work, I've referred to a physiotherapist, they've said my pelvis has softened or some such, common in pregnancy and that I need to finish work earlier than I planned as best they can do is recommend bed rest and if I have to walk about to use crutches to help even out the pressure.
I wanted to work nearly until my due date so I am not happy, and I've gone in such a rush I hardly got to say a proper goodbye to everyone.
The crutches don't help, every passing day the pain in my back gets worse and if I stand for more than twenty minutes my hip feels as if it's going to dislocate from the joint. I would do anything to rid my body of this back pain, never in my life can I imagine anything worse. Even the labour must be a doddle compared to this constant searing agony.
Finally after consistently ending up in tears at work, I've referred to a physiotherapist, they've said my pelvis has softened or some such, common in pregnancy and that I need to finish work earlier than I planned as best they can do is recommend bed rest and if I have to walk about to use crutches to help even out the pressure.
I wanted to work nearly until my due date so I am not happy, and I've gone in such a rush I hardly got to say a proper goodbye to everyone.
The crutches don't help, every passing day the pain in my back gets worse and if I stand for more than twenty minutes my hip feels as if it's going to dislocate from the joint. I would do anything to rid my body of this back pain, never in my life can I imagine anything worse. Even the labour must be a doddle compared to this constant searing agony.
Gender scan
We're having a boy!
I knew it would be. I felt it in my bones, I knew I was due to have a son.
All my wishes have been answered, a baby and its a boy.
Although we're not agreeing 100% on the name, and we're telling people we haven't decided, I know his name. I've known his name from the very beginning.
My son will be called Lincoln. I will only change my mind if Adam agrees to Elvis, and I don't see that happening. So my son will be Lincoln and he will be a gorgeous, strong individual.
Lincoln Jones. My boy.
I knew it would be. I felt it in my bones, I knew I was due to have a son.
All my wishes have been answered, a baby and its a boy.
Although we're not agreeing 100% on the name, and we're telling people we haven't decided, I know his name. I've known his name from the very beginning.
My son will be called Lincoln. I will only change my mind if Adam agrees to Elvis, and I don't see that happening. So my son will be Lincoln and he will be a gorgeous, strong individual.
Lincoln Jones. My boy.
Monday, 30 April 2018
baby moving first time
I've finally felt my baby move inside me.
It was while I was sat at my desk at work, and suddenly there it was, bump bump, bubble bubble. I was ecstatic, quickly telling my team so they could share this special moment. I text Adam.
I've waited weeks for this and finally I have that special feeling.
It was while I was sat at my desk at work, and suddenly there it was, bump bump, bubble bubble. I was ecstatic, quickly telling my team so they could share this special moment. I text Adam.
I've waited weeks for this and finally I have that special feeling.
Day of Scan
Day of the scan:
My baby is perfect. My little bundle of joy is healthy and happy, tucked inside the safety of my womb. There's two hands, two feet, a wonderful beating heart. I heard the words: "There's a healthy heartbeat" and I burst into tears of relief on that bed looking up at the screen where the image of my baby bounced up and down and waved a perfectly tiny hand.
I am so happy, nothing in the world has ever felt like this. To know my baby is ok, that we're really going to have a little baby, it's overwhelming. I thanked God, whether he's there or not, I thanked him silently from the bottom of my heart.
Adam was shocked I cried I think, he was blown away by the images of our child and amazed that I can't feel any movement yet considering the baby swished around so much on the monitor. I hope the scan's made it more real for him, actually seeing our little bundle. I can't stop looking at the scan picture, its the most wonderful photo I've ever seen.
My baby is perfect. My little bundle of joy is healthy and happy, tucked inside the safety of my womb. There's two hands, two feet, a wonderful beating heart. I heard the words: "There's a healthy heartbeat" and I burst into tears of relief on that bed looking up at the screen where the image of my baby bounced up and down and waved a perfectly tiny hand.
I am so happy, nothing in the world has ever felt like this. To know my baby is ok, that we're really going to have a little baby, it's overwhelming. I thanked God, whether he's there or not, I thanked him silently from the bottom of my heart.
Adam was shocked I cried I think, he was blown away by the images of our child and amazed that I can't feel any movement yet considering the baby swished around so much on the monitor. I hope the scan's made it more real for him, actually seeing our little bundle. I can't stop looking at the scan picture, its the most wonderful photo I've ever seen.
Week 12. Prayer
Week 12
I've spent every night, in secret, alone on my knees praying to a God I gave up on a long time ago.
I've never given up the act of prayer, despite my continuous denial of faith and insistence that 'I'm not religious'. I've prayed for Adam to stay safe every time I have to leave him. I've prayed for guidance and I've prayed to clear my mind when there was no one else to say it to without sounding bloody crazy. But this week has been...different.
It's been years since I knelt down and bowed my head over joined hands and really prayed with fervour. I've asked my lack of dedication to be overlooked and my continuous renouncement of faith to be forgiven. I wont change, if God is all knowing then he knows this. He knows in my heart I'll never be sure, I'll never willingly step into a life of servitude, I wont follow the law to the letter, I wont even believe my heaven is with him, because it's not, that's not where I want to be when I die. But my God knows all this, he knows me well enough by now I am sure. And he knows how much this means to me, and what a sacrifice it is for me to kneel down like I'm nine again and pray at the side of my bed.
Please let my baby be ok. Let everything be fine.
I have prayed because I don't know what else I can do. I don't smoke, I haven't drank alcohol since we started trying to conceive, I've never taken drugs, I haven't eaten badly, I haven't strained myself. I've done everything right, and it still might not be enough. So I have prayed. I have prayed not knowing if anyone is listening, but I've prayed all the same.
I've spent every night, in secret, alone on my knees praying to a God I gave up on a long time ago.
I've never given up the act of prayer, despite my continuous denial of faith and insistence that 'I'm not religious'. I've prayed for Adam to stay safe every time I have to leave him. I've prayed for guidance and I've prayed to clear my mind when there was no one else to say it to without sounding bloody crazy. But this week has been...different.
It's been years since I knelt down and bowed my head over joined hands and really prayed with fervour. I've asked my lack of dedication to be overlooked and my continuous renouncement of faith to be forgiven. I wont change, if God is all knowing then he knows this. He knows in my heart I'll never be sure, I'll never willingly step into a life of servitude, I wont follow the law to the letter, I wont even believe my heaven is with him, because it's not, that's not where I want to be when I die. But my God knows all this, he knows me well enough by now I am sure. And he knows how much this means to me, and what a sacrifice it is for me to kneel down like I'm nine again and pray at the side of my bed.
Please let my baby be ok. Let everything be fine.
I have prayed because I don't know what else I can do. I don't smoke, I haven't drank alcohol since we started trying to conceive, I've never taken drugs, I haven't eaten badly, I haven't strained myself. I've done everything right, and it still might not be enough. So I have prayed. I have prayed not knowing if anyone is listening, but I've prayed all the same.
Week 11. Scared
Week 11.
My first scan is on Thursday, marking the 12 week point in my pregnancy. Everyone but me is excited about it, and nobody seems to understand why I'm not. Is it so hard to fathom that for every happy story there's a sad one? A lot of women sit in that hospital room and get told I'm so sorry Mrs so and so but there's no heartbeat, the baby died, we'll have to take it away...
I'm sure they don't put it quite that way but it amounts to the same thing. I'm terrified of being told my little bundle of hope is hopeless. I'm scared of walking out of there feeling all those sad eyes on me from everyone I know. I'm reluctant to even think about how I'll look at myself. While it was an unseen, unfelt dot of something, I could handle it better. But this past week my belly is protruding and my sickness is worse and four people so far have touched my belly with those enthusiastic hands and excited smiles. It's become more real. It's taken on some genuine meaning, more than a little dot I wish I could forget about so I didn't worry this much.
As soon as they say it's all alright I will feel ok. I know I will. As soon as they tell me everything is as it should be, I'll brighten. For now I spend every minute thinking about this baby or thinking the worst. and I cannot switch my brain off. I cannot switch off.
My first scan is on Thursday, marking the 12 week point in my pregnancy. Everyone but me is excited about it, and nobody seems to understand why I'm not. Is it so hard to fathom that for every happy story there's a sad one? A lot of women sit in that hospital room and get told I'm so sorry Mrs so and so but there's no heartbeat, the baby died, we'll have to take it away...
I'm sure they don't put it quite that way but it amounts to the same thing. I'm terrified of being told my little bundle of hope is hopeless. I'm scared of walking out of there feeling all those sad eyes on me from everyone I know. I'm reluctant to even think about how I'll look at myself. While it was an unseen, unfelt dot of something, I could handle it better. But this past week my belly is protruding and my sickness is worse and four people so far have touched my belly with those enthusiastic hands and excited smiles. It's become more real. It's taken on some genuine meaning, more than a little dot I wish I could forget about so I didn't worry this much.
As soon as they say it's all alright I will feel ok. I know I will. As soon as they tell me everything is as it should be, I'll brighten. For now I spend every minute thinking about this baby or thinking the worst. and I cannot switch my brain off. I cannot switch off.
Week 9 Screening
I've made a decision about this screening for 'abnormalities' as the leaflet put it.
The decision is no. I will not have this screening test, or any of the tests that might tell me my baby has one syndrome or another. I've wanted this baby for a long time, and it just doesn't matter anymore if it has one of these conditions. The fact is, I don't care what anyone tells me, and believe me a few opinions have been shared unasked for regarding the matter, I wont terminate this pregnancy no matter what.
I made my mind up about abortion when I was fifteen and Philosophy and Ethics class decided it was a good idea to teach under age pupils about abortion and the pros and cons of Christian opinion. I was sick in that class. The detail made me sick. The horrible plastic model of placenta and baby make me sick. The idea made me sick. I knew then I was against the procedure. It's against MY ethics.
So what would be the point in getting screened when I don't want anything to sway my moral compass into pointing another direction. This isn't just my child, this is a part of Adam that I would never be without, so I don't care if my bundle is born with a disability. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
For now, when I touch my precious cargo, I hope they can sense my choice, and know it didn't matter to me enough to find out, I love them unconditionally even now and I will fight every step of the way for that love to endure through any outcome.
The decision is no. I will not have this screening test, or any of the tests that might tell me my baby has one syndrome or another. I've wanted this baby for a long time, and it just doesn't matter anymore if it has one of these conditions. The fact is, I don't care what anyone tells me, and believe me a few opinions have been shared unasked for regarding the matter, I wont terminate this pregnancy no matter what.
I made my mind up about abortion when I was fifteen and Philosophy and Ethics class decided it was a good idea to teach under age pupils about abortion and the pros and cons of Christian opinion. I was sick in that class. The detail made me sick. The horrible plastic model of placenta and baby make me sick. The idea made me sick. I knew then I was against the procedure. It's against MY ethics.
So what would be the point in getting screened when I don't want anything to sway my moral compass into pointing another direction. This isn't just my child, this is a part of Adam that I would never be without, so I don't care if my bundle is born with a disability. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
For now, when I touch my precious cargo, I hope they can sense my choice, and know it didn't matter to me enough to find out, I love them unconditionally even now and I will fight every step of the way for that love to endure through any outcome.
Paranoia and confidence
16/08/2017 - Belly= 40inches
I had my first midwife appointment today- more like an interrogation into my life and health.
Am I on drugs? no (star sticker for me)
Do I smoke? no (can I get a well done badge now?)
Do I drink alcohol- no (not now I'm pregnant!)
Every question I could possibly imagine about past family health, they asked. How the hell do I know if anyone had TB? Did I ever have measles?- shit lady, I don't remember what I ate for lunch last week! How am I supposed to remember every childhood illness? - 100% happy I took my momma with me, she knew the answers to all these questions, I might as well have stayed at home and just sent her to the appointment.
So now I'm at the stage I am lathering every inch of myself in body butter- so when Adam comes in I am **starkers** on the bed looking like I've been attacked by the yoghurt monster- not a great look. Everyone says: you can't stop stretch marks, you're never going to look the same again- no reason to go down without a fight I say.
The paranoia may have hit me a little this week, my makeup bag is rather neglected, I'm not allowed to dye my hair while pregnant, so I have a chunk of dark roots and faded red split ends. I feel fat in all my clothes, and ok, so no excuse for this but shaving my legs is not top of my priority right now. I am barely keeping my head up. Nap time is now favourite time. So, I am not feeling too hot right now.
Adam's his usual gorgeous self, all freckled and tan from his afternoons in the sun- I'm staring at him thinking, you bastard- you did this to me, and you look great while I look shit. I've had the horrible thought hit me: He's going to leave me. After all this time, he's finally going to call it a day. I am going to be an abandoned first time mother who's been left for an upgrade to a younger thinner model with perfect highlights. I'll have to raise this child on my own- something I am wholly unprepared for. I am never going to look the same again. My entire body is finished. - to make matters so much worse, I couldn't even hold myself together like a trouper- oh no, I had a full breakdown. Adam had to spoon me - the un-highlighted, fat sloth version of me, and give me a pat on the head while I got teary and had a little sob. If that doesn't hold his sexual interest- I don't know what will right? - painful. So painful.
This is the part when 'The Dad-to be' should be saying things like: " I still think you're beautiful'' and "You're growing my child, I am never going to leave you" ... but I should just clarify Adam is not that sort of guy ok, he doesn't molly-coddle anybody, least of all me. He's my harsh reality, my kick up the backside, my knows how to sort me out better than anybody. His response to my breakdown was a prompt:
Cuddle time, and "You better pull yourself together! Jesus, I can't put up with this for the next eight months." - that's a pep talk right there. So, let's try and shake this off, get back to I'm awesome and I know it. Pregnant or not- I am not letting myself go already.
I had my first midwife appointment today- more like an interrogation into my life and health.
Am I on drugs? no (star sticker for me)
Do I smoke? no (can I get a well done badge now?)
Do I drink alcohol- no (not now I'm pregnant!)
Every question I could possibly imagine about past family health, they asked. How the hell do I know if anyone had TB? Did I ever have measles?- shit lady, I don't remember what I ate for lunch last week! How am I supposed to remember every childhood illness? - 100% happy I took my momma with me, she knew the answers to all these questions, I might as well have stayed at home and just sent her to the appointment.
So now I'm at the stage I am lathering every inch of myself in body butter- so when Adam comes in I am **starkers** on the bed looking like I've been attacked by the yoghurt monster- not a great look. Everyone says: you can't stop stretch marks, you're never going to look the same again- no reason to go down without a fight I say.
The paranoia may have hit me a little this week, my makeup bag is rather neglected, I'm not allowed to dye my hair while pregnant, so I have a chunk of dark roots and faded red split ends. I feel fat in all my clothes, and ok, so no excuse for this but shaving my legs is not top of my priority right now. I am barely keeping my head up. Nap time is now favourite time. So, I am not feeling too hot right now.
Adam's his usual gorgeous self, all freckled and tan from his afternoons in the sun- I'm staring at him thinking, you bastard- you did this to me, and you look great while I look shit. I've had the horrible thought hit me: He's going to leave me. After all this time, he's finally going to call it a day. I am going to be an abandoned first time mother who's been left for an upgrade to a younger thinner model with perfect highlights. I'll have to raise this child on my own- something I am wholly unprepared for. I am never going to look the same again. My entire body is finished. - to make matters so much worse, I couldn't even hold myself together like a trouper- oh no, I had a full breakdown. Adam had to spoon me - the un-highlighted, fat sloth version of me, and give me a pat on the head while I got teary and had a little sob. If that doesn't hold his sexual interest- I don't know what will right? - painful. So painful.
This is the part when 'The Dad-to be' should be saying things like: " I still think you're beautiful'' and "You're growing my child, I am never going to leave you" ... but I should just clarify Adam is not that sort of guy ok, he doesn't molly-coddle anybody, least of all me. He's my harsh reality, my kick up the backside, my knows how to sort me out better than anybody. His response to my breakdown was a prompt:
Cuddle time, and "You better pull yourself together! Jesus, I can't put up with this for the next eight months." - that's a pep talk right there. So, let's try and shake this off, get back to I'm awesome and I know it. Pregnant or not- I am not letting myself go already.
End of Week 5
The nausea that was between 8am-10am has taken over and now continuously throughout the day I am ready to curl into a ball and hold my banging head. Food doesn't hold any appeal, whatever I feel like eating, as soon as it's in my hand I don't want it anymore.
On top of the sickness, I've had intermittent stomach cramps on and off for days now, like period pain which being on the Pill I haven't felt these for a long time. I felt unprepared when this gripping pain was clenching my insides, immediate panic set in. Is this a problem? Is something already going wrong? Thank God I had Natalie at work, she had a baby over a year ago and she was so reassuring, explaining the obvious- my womb is growing to accommodate a baby so its going to hurt a bit. It sounds so self explanatory when a calm, friendly voice tells you this, but at the time I was so wrapped up in panic I was just upset.
I don't cry a lot- I'm a tough cookie. But lately all I do is cry at things- happy movies, sad songs, moments of uncertainty, and the fact I am already getting fat and I'm so sick in the morning I can't be bothered to do my eyeliner properly. No wonder they used to put women in 'Confinement'. A dark room, a bed, and no men allowed sounds pretty welcoming right now.
Morning Sickness
Everyone talks about pregnancy like it's a bright blooming gift for a woman. The glow of fertility, the sense of wellbeing and contentment, maybe all that's on the way. Right now, I feel like I'm ready to spew up my entire stomach and sleep for a hundred years afterwards.
I'm soooo tired! and when I'm sitting at work I can be absolutely fine one minute, and then suddenly a swoosh of sickness comes over me and I'm heaving, my head spinning. I'm so hungry but everything I look at is turning my stomach.
It started off between 8am-10am, now it's progressively worse throughout the day, on and off. Do I eat breakfast? Do I leave breakfast? Do I eat lunch now? Do I miss lunch? I feel so sick!
They don't mention the sickness much do they? Its passed over vaguely and they say ' it's different for everyone, you might be one of the lucky ones' - I am not one of the lucky ones. I am a wreck.
No one is saying I look glowing, no one is patting my shoulder with a warm smile and saying ' ooo doesn't it suit you well ' ...I'm getting: "Christ you look green, like actually green'' and... ''Are you tired? You look really tired''
I am tired
and Green is my new colour.
Let's hope it does wear off.
I'm soooo tired! and when I'm sitting at work I can be absolutely fine one minute, and then suddenly a swoosh of sickness comes over me and I'm heaving, my head spinning. I'm so hungry but everything I look at is turning my stomach.
It started off between 8am-10am, now it's progressively worse throughout the day, on and off. Do I eat breakfast? Do I leave breakfast? Do I eat lunch now? Do I miss lunch? I feel so sick!
They don't mention the sickness much do they? Its passed over vaguely and they say ' it's different for everyone, you might be one of the lucky ones' - I am not one of the lucky ones. I am a wreck.
No one is saying I look glowing, no one is patting my shoulder with a warm smile and saying ' ooo doesn't it suit you well ' ...I'm getting: "Christ you look green, like actually green'' and... ''Are you tired? You look really tired''
I am tired
and Green is my new colour.
Let's hope it does wear off.
I'm Pregnant
05/08/2017
I'm Pregnant!!!
After missing 5 days of my period I took two tests which both came up positive. Adam and I agreed to start trying after my birthday in May, it's only the end of July so I must admit I was surprised I've caught so quickly. After years of being on the Pill, a lot of people made out that it would take ages to ovulate again. Not my sister in laws though, they said I'd probably catch immediately and how funny it would be.
So I booked with the doctor on the 1st August and he confirmed I was around four weeks. One of those modern mobile phone App's has told me the 'baby' such as it is, is only the size of a poppy seed. The thought makes me feel sick. Everything makes me feel sick. Which is why I took the test when I did, from 8am in the morning until 10am I feel dizzy and nauseated. I can't decide whether to eat breakfast or not. By lunch time I'm so hungry I could eat a full roast dinner and apple pie with custard to finish. Then the next morning I'm retching again at the thought.
After the initial song and dance of joy I first felt upon seeing that pregnancy test positive result, I immediately sank into a sort of numbness. This is my first pregnancy, a child I have wished for, for a long time but we've only just settled on the decision that we're ready as a couple to start a family. We've been in a committed relationship for over four years, been living in the house a year, and though it's rented I don't want to wait any longer with the hope to buy a property, not in todays market. it's so hard to get on the property ladder. I'm twenty four, I'm ready for motherhood now.
But as I was saying, after the first feeling of joy came the sense of foreboding. My momma, who knows everything before it happens, as mothers so often do, has told me to be happy and excited. I am happy! I am happier than I've ever felt in my entire life. But I'm past excitement. The excitement ended after that first day, and turned into Fear.
I'm scared. I'm so scared of something going wrong, of this first time being short lived and all this happiness falling apart. I've seen it before, to others, I've seen when that little poppy seed can't hold on and the emotional pain of letting it go. I've already had two nightmares of starting to bleed and woken up checking we're ok.
That's one of the reasons I have started this blog, because I need to express all this emotion that's going on inside me, I need to have a sanctuary to put it all down and writing has always been my church. So here I am, a Black Country girl, living an ordinary life, which is about the change forever and this is the start of a long journey.
I'm Pregnant!!!
After missing 5 days of my period I took two tests which both came up positive. Adam and I agreed to start trying after my birthday in May, it's only the end of July so I must admit I was surprised I've caught so quickly. After years of being on the Pill, a lot of people made out that it would take ages to ovulate again. Not my sister in laws though, they said I'd probably catch immediately and how funny it would be.
So I booked with the doctor on the 1st August and he confirmed I was around four weeks. One of those modern mobile phone App's has told me the 'baby' such as it is, is only the size of a poppy seed. The thought makes me feel sick. Everything makes me feel sick. Which is why I took the test when I did, from 8am in the morning until 10am I feel dizzy and nauseated. I can't decide whether to eat breakfast or not. By lunch time I'm so hungry I could eat a full roast dinner and apple pie with custard to finish. Then the next morning I'm retching again at the thought.
After the initial song and dance of joy I first felt upon seeing that pregnancy test positive result, I immediately sank into a sort of numbness. This is my first pregnancy, a child I have wished for, for a long time but we've only just settled on the decision that we're ready as a couple to start a family. We've been in a committed relationship for over four years, been living in the house a year, and though it's rented I don't want to wait any longer with the hope to buy a property, not in todays market. it's so hard to get on the property ladder. I'm twenty four, I'm ready for motherhood now.
But as I was saying, after the first feeling of joy came the sense of foreboding. My momma, who knows everything before it happens, as mothers so often do, has told me to be happy and excited. I am happy! I am happier than I've ever felt in my entire life. But I'm past excitement. The excitement ended after that first day, and turned into Fear.
I'm scared. I'm so scared of something going wrong, of this first time being short lived and all this happiness falling apart. I've seen it before, to others, I've seen when that little poppy seed can't hold on and the emotional pain of letting it go. I've already had two nightmares of starting to bleed and woken up checking we're ok.
That's one of the reasons I have started this blog, because I need to express all this emotion that's going on inside me, I need to have a sanctuary to put it all down and writing has always been my church. So here I am, a Black Country girl, living an ordinary life, which is about the change forever and this is the start of a long journey.
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