I'm Pregnant

05/08/2017

I'm Pregnant!!!

After missing 5 days of my period I took two tests which both came up positive. Adam and I agreed to start trying after my birthday in May, it's only the end of July so I must admit I was surprised I've caught so quickly. After years of being on the Pill, a lot of people made out that it would take ages to ovulate again. Not my sister in laws though, they said I'd probably catch immediately and how funny it would be.

So I booked with the doctor on the 1st August and he confirmed I was around four weeks. One of those modern mobile phone App's has told me the 'baby' such as it is, is only the size of a poppy seed. The thought makes me feel sick. Everything makes me feel sick. Which is why I took the test when I did, from 8am in the morning until 10am I feel dizzy and nauseated. I can't decide whether to eat breakfast or not. By lunch time I'm so hungry I could eat a full roast dinner and apple pie with custard to finish. Then the next morning I'm retching again at the thought.

After the initial song and dance of joy I first felt upon seeing that pregnancy test positive result, I immediately sank into a sort of numbness. This is my first pregnancy, a child I have wished for, for a long time but we've only just settled on the decision that we're ready as a couple to start a family. We've been in a committed relationship for over four years, been living in the house a year, and though it's rented I don't want to wait any longer with the hope to buy a property, not in todays market. it's so hard to get on the property ladder. I'm twenty four, I'm ready for motherhood now.

But as I was saying, after the first feeling of joy came the sense of foreboding. My momma, who knows everything before it happens, as mothers so often do, has told me to be happy and excited. I am happy! I am happier than I've ever felt in my entire life. But I'm past excitement. The excitement ended after that first day, and turned into Fear.

I'm scared. I'm so scared of something going wrong, of this first time being short lived and all this happiness falling apart. I've seen it before, to others, I've seen when that little poppy seed can't hold on and the emotional pain of letting it go.  I've already had two nightmares of starting to bleed and woken up checking we're ok.

That's one of the reasons I have started this blog, because I need to express all this emotion that's going on inside me, I need to have a sanctuary to put it all down and writing has always been my church. So here I am, a Black Country girl, living an ordinary life, which is about the change forever and this is the start of a long journey.