I've finally felt my baby move inside me.
It was while I was sat at my desk at work, and suddenly there it was, bump bump, bubble bubble. I was ecstatic, quickly telling my team so they could share this special moment. I text Adam.
I've waited weeks for this and finally I have that special feeling.
Monday, 30 April 2018
Day of Scan
Day of the scan:
My baby is perfect. My little bundle of joy is healthy and happy, tucked inside the safety of my womb. There's two hands, two feet, a wonderful beating heart. I heard the words: "There's a healthy heartbeat" and I burst into tears of relief on that bed looking up at the screen where the image of my baby bounced up and down and waved a perfectly tiny hand.
I am so happy, nothing in the world has ever felt like this. To know my baby is ok, that we're really going to have a little baby, it's overwhelming. I thanked God, whether he's there or not, I thanked him silently from the bottom of my heart.
Adam was shocked I cried I think, he was blown away by the images of our child and amazed that I can't feel any movement yet considering the baby swished around so much on the monitor. I hope the scan's made it more real for him, actually seeing our little bundle. I can't stop looking at the scan picture, its the most wonderful photo I've ever seen.
My baby is perfect. My little bundle of joy is healthy and happy, tucked inside the safety of my womb. There's two hands, two feet, a wonderful beating heart. I heard the words: "There's a healthy heartbeat" and I burst into tears of relief on that bed looking up at the screen where the image of my baby bounced up and down and waved a perfectly tiny hand.
I am so happy, nothing in the world has ever felt like this. To know my baby is ok, that we're really going to have a little baby, it's overwhelming. I thanked God, whether he's there or not, I thanked him silently from the bottom of my heart.
Adam was shocked I cried I think, he was blown away by the images of our child and amazed that I can't feel any movement yet considering the baby swished around so much on the monitor. I hope the scan's made it more real for him, actually seeing our little bundle. I can't stop looking at the scan picture, its the most wonderful photo I've ever seen.
Week 12. Prayer
Week 12
I've spent every night, in secret, alone on my knees praying to a God I gave up on a long time ago.
I've never given up the act of prayer, despite my continuous denial of faith and insistence that 'I'm not religious'. I've prayed for Adam to stay safe every time I have to leave him. I've prayed for guidance and I've prayed to clear my mind when there was no one else to say it to without sounding bloody crazy. But this week has been...different.
It's been years since I knelt down and bowed my head over joined hands and really prayed with fervour. I've asked my lack of dedication to be overlooked and my continuous renouncement of faith to be forgiven. I wont change, if God is all knowing then he knows this. He knows in my heart I'll never be sure, I'll never willingly step into a life of servitude, I wont follow the law to the letter, I wont even believe my heaven is with him, because it's not, that's not where I want to be when I die. But my God knows all this, he knows me well enough by now I am sure. And he knows how much this means to me, and what a sacrifice it is for me to kneel down like I'm nine again and pray at the side of my bed.
Please let my baby be ok. Let everything be fine.
I have prayed because I don't know what else I can do. I don't smoke, I haven't drank alcohol since we started trying to conceive, I've never taken drugs, I haven't eaten badly, I haven't strained myself. I've done everything right, and it still might not be enough. So I have prayed. I have prayed not knowing if anyone is listening, but I've prayed all the same.
I've spent every night, in secret, alone on my knees praying to a God I gave up on a long time ago.
I've never given up the act of prayer, despite my continuous denial of faith and insistence that 'I'm not religious'. I've prayed for Adam to stay safe every time I have to leave him. I've prayed for guidance and I've prayed to clear my mind when there was no one else to say it to without sounding bloody crazy. But this week has been...different.
It's been years since I knelt down and bowed my head over joined hands and really prayed with fervour. I've asked my lack of dedication to be overlooked and my continuous renouncement of faith to be forgiven. I wont change, if God is all knowing then he knows this. He knows in my heart I'll never be sure, I'll never willingly step into a life of servitude, I wont follow the law to the letter, I wont even believe my heaven is with him, because it's not, that's not where I want to be when I die. But my God knows all this, he knows me well enough by now I am sure. And he knows how much this means to me, and what a sacrifice it is for me to kneel down like I'm nine again and pray at the side of my bed.
Please let my baby be ok. Let everything be fine.
I have prayed because I don't know what else I can do. I don't smoke, I haven't drank alcohol since we started trying to conceive, I've never taken drugs, I haven't eaten badly, I haven't strained myself. I've done everything right, and it still might not be enough. So I have prayed. I have prayed not knowing if anyone is listening, but I've prayed all the same.
Week 11. Scared
Week 11.
My first scan is on Thursday, marking the 12 week point in my pregnancy. Everyone but me is excited about it, and nobody seems to understand why I'm not. Is it so hard to fathom that for every happy story there's a sad one? A lot of women sit in that hospital room and get told I'm so sorry Mrs so and so but there's no heartbeat, the baby died, we'll have to take it away...
I'm sure they don't put it quite that way but it amounts to the same thing. I'm terrified of being told my little bundle of hope is hopeless. I'm scared of walking out of there feeling all those sad eyes on me from everyone I know. I'm reluctant to even think about how I'll look at myself. While it was an unseen, unfelt dot of something, I could handle it better. But this past week my belly is protruding and my sickness is worse and four people so far have touched my belly with those enthusiastic hands and excited smiles. It's become more real. It's taken on some genuine meaning, more than a little dot I wish I could forget about so I didn't worry this much.
As soon as they say it's all alright I will feel ok. I know I will. As soon as they tell me everything is as it should be, I'll brighten. For now I spend every minute thinking about this baby or thinking the worst. and I cannot switch my brain off. I cannot switch off.
My first scan is on Thursday, marking the 12 week point in my pregnancy. Everyone but me is excited about it, and nobody seems to understand why I'm not. Is it so hard to fathom that for every happy story there's a sad one? A lot of women sit in that hospital room and get told I'm so sorry Mrs so and so but there's no heartbeat, the baby died, we'll have to take it away...
I'm sure they don't put it quite that way but it amounts to the same thing. I'm terrified of being told my little bundle of hope is hopeless. I'm scared of walking out of there feeling all those sad eyes on me from everyone I know. I'm reluctant to even think about how I'll look at myself. While it was an unseen, unfelt dot of something, I could handle it better. But this past week my belly is protruding and my sickness is worse and four people so far have touched my belly with those enthusiastic hands and excited smiles. It's become more real. It's taken on some genuine meaning, more than a little dot I wish I could forget about so I didn't worry this much.
As soon as they say it's all alright I will feel ok. I know I will. As soon as they tell me everything is as it should be, I'll brighten. For now I spend every minute thinking about this baby or thinking the worst. and I cannot switch my brain off. I cannot switch off.
Week 9 Screening
I've made a decision about this screening for 'abnormalities' as the leaflet put it.
The decision is no. I will not have this screening test, or any of the tests that might tell me my baby has one syndrome or another. I've wanted this baby for a long time, and it just doesn't matter anymore if it has one of these conditions. The fact is, I don't care what anyone tells me, and believe me a few opinions have been shared unasked for regarding the matter, I wont terminate this pregnancy no matter what.
I made my mind up about abortion when I was fifteen and Philosophy and Ethics class decided it was a good idea to teach under age pupils about abortion and the pros and cons of Christian opinion. I was sick in that class. The detail made me sick. The horrible plastic model of placenta and baby make me sick. The idea made me sick. I knew then I was against the procedure. It's against MY ethics.
So what would be the point in getting screened when I don't want anything to sway my moral compass into pointing another direction. This isn't just my child, this is a part of Adam that I would never be without, so I don't care if my bundle is born with a disability. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
For now, when I touch my precious cargo, I hope they can sense my choice, and know it didn't matter to me enough to find out, I love them unconditionally even now and I will fight every step of the way for that love to endure through any outcome.
The decision is no. I will not have this screening test, or any of the tests that might tell me my baby has one syndrome or another. I've wanted this baby for a long time, and it just doesn't matter anymore if it has one of these conditions. The fact is, I don't care what anyone tells me, and believe me a few opinions have been shared unasked for regarding the matter, I wont terminate this pregnancy no matter what.
I made my mind up about abortion when I was fifteen and Philosophy and Ethics class decided it was a good idea to teach under age pupils about abortion and the pros and cons of Christian opinion. I was sick in that class. The detail made me sick. The horrible plastic model of placenta and baby make me sick. The idea made me sick. I knew then I was against the procedure. It's against MY ethics.
So what would be the point in getting screened when I don't want anything to sway my moral compass into pointing another direction. This isn't just my child, this is a part of Adam that I would never be without, so I don't care if my bundle is born with a disability. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
For now, when I touch my precious cargo, I hope they can sense my choice, and know it didn't matter to me enough to find out, I love them unconditionally even now and I will fight every step of the way for that love to endure through any outcome.
Paranoia and confidence
16/08/2017 - Belly= 40inches
I had my first midwife appointment today- more like an interrogation into my life and health.
Am I on drugs? no (star sticker for me)
Do I smoke? no (can I get a well done badge now?)
Do I drink alcohol- no (not now I'm pregnant!)
Every question I could possibly imagine about past family health, they asked. How the hell do I know if anyone had TB? Did I ever have measles?- shit lady, I don't remember what I ate for lunch last week! How am I supposed to remember every childhood illness? - 100% happy I took my momma with me, she knew the answers to all these questions, I might as well have stayed at home and just sent her to the appointment.
So now I'm at the stage I am lathering every inch of myself in body butter- so when Adam comes in I am **starkers** on the bed looking like I've been attacked by the yoghurt monster- not a great look. Everyone says: you can't stop stretch marks, you're never going to look the same again- no reason to go down without a fight I say.
The paranoia may have hit me a little this week, my makeup bag is rather neglected, I'm not allowed to dye my hair while pregnant, so I have a chunk of dark roots and faded red split ends. I feel fat in all my clothes, and ok, so no excuse for this but shaving my legs is not top of my priority right now. I am barely keeping my head up. Nap time is now favourite time. So, I am not feeling too hot right now.
Adam's his usual gorgeous self, all freckled and tan from his afternoons in the sun- I'm staring at him thinking, you bastard- you did this to me, and you look great while I look shit. I've had the horrible thought hit me: He's going to leave me. After all this time, he's finally going to call it a day. I am going to be an abandoned first time mother who's been left for an upgrade to a younger thinner model with perfect highlights. I'll have to raise this child on my own- something I am wholly unprepared for. I am never going to look the same again. My entire body is finished. - to make matters so much worse, I couldn't even hold myself together like a trouper- oh no, I had a full breakdown. Adam had to spoon me - the un-highlighted, fat sloth version of me, and give me a pat on the head while I got teary and had a little sob. If that doesn't hold his sexual interest- I don't know what will right? - painful. So painful.
This is the part when 'The Dad-to be' should be saying things like: " I still think you're beautiful'' and "You're growing my child, I am never going to leave you" ... but I should just clarify Adam is not that sort of guy ok, he doesn't molly-coddle anybody, least of all me. He's my harsh reality, my kick up the backside, my knows how to sort me out better than anybody. His response to my breakdown was a prompt:
Cuddle time, and "You better pull yourself together! Jesus, I can't put up with this for the next eight months." - that's a pep talk right there. So, let's try and shake this off, get back to I'm awesome and I know it. Pregnant or not- I am not letting myself go already.
I had my first midwife appointment today- more like an interrogation into my life and health.
Am I on drugs? no (star sticker for me)
Do I smoke? no (can I get a well done badge now?)
Do I drink alcohol- no (not now I'm pregnant!)
Every question I could possibly imagine about past family health, they asked. How the hell do I know if anyone had TB? Did I ever have measles?- shit lady, I don't remember what I ate for lunch last week! How am I supposed to remember every childhood illness? - 100% happy I took my momma with me, she knew the answers to all these questions, I might as well have stayed at home and just sent her to the appointment.
So now I'm at the stage I am lathering every inch of myself in body butter- so when Adam comes in I am **starkers** on the bed looking like I've been attacked by the yoghurt monster- not a great look. Everyone says: you can't stop stretch marks, you're never going to look the same again- no reason to go down without a fight I say.
The paranoia may have hit me a little this week, my makeup bag is rather neglected, I'm not allowed to dye my hair while pregnant, so I have a chunk of dark roots and faded red split ends. I feel fat in all my clothes, and ok, so no excuse for this but shaving my legs is not top of my priority right now. I am barely keeping my head up. Nap time is now favourite time. So, I am not feeling too hot right now.
Adam's his usual gorgeous self, all freckled and tan from his afternoons in the sun- I'm staring at him thinking, you bastard- you did this to me, and you look great while I look shit. I've had the horrible thought hit me: He's going to leave me. After all this time, he's finally going to call it a day. I am going to be an abandoned first time mother who's been left for an upgrade to a younger thinner model with perfect highlights. I'll have to raise this child on my own- something I am wholly unprepared for. I am never going to look the same again. My entire body is finished. - to make matters so much worse, I couldn't even hold myself together like a trouper- oh no, I had a full breakdown. Adam had to spoon me - the un-highlighted, fat sloth version of me, and give me a pat on the head while I got teary and had a little sob. If that doesn't hold his sexual interest- I don't know what will right? - painful. So painful.
This is the part when 'The Dad-to be' should be saying things like: " I still think you're beautiful'' and "You're growing my child, I am never going to leave you" ... but I should just clarify Adam is not that sort of guy ok, he doesn't molly-coddle anybody, least of all me. He's my harsh reality, my kick up the backside, my knows how to sort me out better than anybody. His response to my breakdown was a prompt:
Cuddle time, and "You better pull yourself together! Jesus, I can't put up with this for the next eight months." - that's a pep talk right there. So, let's try and shake this off, get back to I'm awesome and I know it. Pregnant or not- I am not letting myself go already.
End of Week 5
The nausea that was between 8am-10am has taken over and now continuously throughout the day I am ready to curl into a ball and hold my banging head. Food doesn't hold any appeal, whatever I feel like eating, as soon as it's in my hand I don't want it anymore.
On top of the sickness, I've had intermittent stomach cramps on and off for days now, like period pain which being on the Pill I haven't felt these for a long time. I felt unprepared when this gripping pain was clenching my insides, immediate panic set in. Is this a problem? Is something already going wrong? Thank God I had Natalie at work, she had a baby over a year ago and she was so reassuring, explaining the obvious- my womb is growing to accommodate a baby so its going to hurt a bit. It sounds so self explanatory when a calm, friendly voice tells you this, but at the time I was so wrapped up in panic I was just upset.
I don't cry a lot- I'm a tough cookie. But lately all I do is cry at things- happy movies, sad songs, moments of uncertainty, and the fact I am already getting fat and I'm so sick in the morning I can't be bothered to do my eyeliner properly. No wonder they used to put women in 'Confinement'. A dark room, a bed, and no men allowed sounds pretty welcoming right now.
Morning Sickness
Everyone talks about pregnancy like it's a bright blooming gift for a woman. The glow of fertility, the sense of wellbeing and contentment, maybe all that's on the way. Right now, I feel like I'm ready to spew up my entire stomach and sleep for a hundred years afterwards.
I'm soooo tired! and when I'm sitting at work I can be absolutely fine one minute, and then suddenly a swoosh of sickness comes over me and I'm heaving, my head spinning. I'm so hungry but everything I look at is turning my stomach.
It started off between 8am-10am, now it's progressively worse throughout the day, on and off. Do I eat breakfast? Do I leave breakfast? Do I eat lunch now? Do I miss lunch? I feel so sick!
They don't mention the sickness much do they? Its passed over vaguely and they say ' it's different for everyone, you might be one of the lucky ones' - I am not one of the lucky ones. I am a wreck.
No one is saying I look glowing, no one is patting my shoulder with a warm smile and saying ' ooo doesn't it suit you well ' ...I'm getting: "Christ you look green, like actually green'' and... ''Are you tired? You look really tired''
I am tired
and Green is my new colour.
Let's hope it does wear off.
I'm soooo tired! and when I'm sitting at work I can be absolutely fine one minute, and then suddenly a swoosh of sickness comes over me and I'm heaving, my head spinning. I'm so hungry but everything I look at is turning my stomach.
It started off between 8am-10am, now it's progressively worse throughout the day, on and off. Do I eat breakfast? Do I leave breakfast? Do I eat lunch now? Do I miss lunch? I feel so sick!
They don't mention the sickness much do they? Its passed over vaguely and they say ' it's different for everyone, you might be one of the lucky ones' - I am not one of the lucky ones. I am a wreck.
No one is saying I look glowing, no one is patting my shoulder with a warm smile and saying ' ooo doesn't it suit you well ' ...I'm getting: "Christ you look green, like actually green'' and... ''Are you tired? You look really tired''
I am tired
and Green is my new colour.
Let's hope it does wear off.
I'm Pregnant
05/08/2017
I'm Pregnant!!!
After missing 5 days of my period I took two tests which both came up positive. Adam and I agreed to start trying after my birthday in May, it's only the end of July so I must admit I was surprised I've caught so quickly. After years of being on the Pill, a lot of people made out that it would take ages to ovulate again. Not my sister in laws though, they said I'd probably catch immediately and how funny it would be.
So I booked with the doctor on the 1st August and he confirmed I was around four weeks. One of those modern mobile phone App's has told me the 'baby' such as it is, is only the size of a poppy seed. The thought makes me feel sick. Everything makes me feel sick. Which is why I took the test when I did, from 8am in the morning until 10am I feel dizzy and nauseated. I can't decide whether to eat breakfast or not. By lunch time I'm so hungry I could eat a full roast dinner and apple pie with custard to finish. Then the next morning I'm retching again at the thought.
After the initial song and dance of joy I first felt upon seeing that pregnancy test positive result, I immediately sank into a sort of numbness. This is my first pregnancy, a child I have wished for, for a long time but we've only just settled on the decision that we're ready as a couple to start a family. We've been in a committed relationship for over four years, been living in the house a year, and though it's rented I don't want to wait any longer with the hope to buy a property, not in todays market. it's so hard to get on the property ladder. I'm twenty four, I'm ready for motherhood now.
But as I was saying, after the first feeling of joy came the sense of foreboding. My momma, who knows everything before it happens, as mothers so often do, has told me to be happy and excited. I am happy! I am happier than I've ever felt in my entire life. But I'm past excitement. The excitement ended after that first day, and turned into Fear.
I'm scared. I'm so scared of something going wrong, of this first time being short lived and all this happiness falling apart. I've seen it before, to others, I've seen when that little poppy seed can't hold on and the emotional pain of letting it go. I've already had two nightmares of starting to bleed and woken up checking we're ok.
That's one of the reasons I have started this blog, because I need to express all this emotion that's going on inside me, I need to have a sanctuary to put it all down and writing has always been my church. So here I am, a Black Country girl, living an ordinary life, which is about the change forever and this is the start of a long journey.
I'm Pregnant!!!
After missing 5 days of my period I took two tests which both came up positive. Adam and I agreed to start trying after my birthday in May, it's only the end of July so I must admit I was surprised I've caught so quickly. After years of being on the Pill, a lot of people made out that it would take ages to ovulate again. Not my sister in laws though, they said I'd probably catch immediately and how funny it would be.
So I booked with the doctor on the 1st August and he confirmed I was around four weeks. One of those modern mobile phone App's has told me the 'baby' such as it is, is only the size of a poppy seed. The thought makes me feel sick. Everything makes me feel sick. Which is why I took the test when I did, from 8am in the morning until 10am I feel dizzy and nauseated. I can't decide whether to eat breakfast or not. By lunch time I'm so hungry I could eat a full roast dinner and apple pie with custard to finish. Then the next morning I'm retching again at the thought.
After the initial song and dance of joy I first felt upon seeing that pregnancy test positive result, I immediately sank into a sort of numbness. This is my first pregnancy, a child I have wished for, for a long time but we've only just settled on the decision that we're ready as a couple to start a family. We've been in a committed relationship for over four years, been living in the house a year, and though it's rented I don't want to wait any longer with the hope to buy a property, not in todays market. it's so hard to get on the property ladder. I'm twenty four, I'm ready for motherhood now.
But as I was saying, after the first feeling of joy came the sense of foreboding. My momma, who knows everything before it happens, as mothers so often do, has told me to be happy and excited. I am happy! I am happier than I've ever felt in my entire life. But I'm past excitement. The excitement ended after that first day, and turned into Fear.
I'm scared. I'm so scared of something going wrong, of this first time being short lived and all this happiness falling apart. I've seen it before, to others, I've seen when that little poppy seed can't hold on and the emotional pain of letting it go. I've already had two nightmares of starting to bleed and woken up checking we're ok.
That's one of the reasons I have started this blog, because I need to express all this emotion that's going on inside me, I need to have a sanctuary to put it all down and writing has always been my church. So here I am, a Black Country girl, living an ordinary life, which is about the change forever and this is the start of a long journey.
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