Co-sleeping...?

We're only a few weeks in, and already Lincoln is on and off settling in his own crib. Some nights we're blessed and his tired little self is too sleepy to notice, he just sleeps in his bed comfortably next to mine. Other nights, its not so simple. He's crying for a feed, so I bring him over and nurse him in my bed sometimes holding him while I sit up, or I lie down with him feeding on his side next to me. He drops off to sleep and I gently slide/lift him back to his own crib, I set him down, move my hands away annnnnnnnd....cry cry cry.
   Ok, Momma's here, I bring him back to my side and instantly the crying stops and he's content again. I'll say now and forcibly, I do not agree with leaving a newborn to "Cry it out" a part from the fact his screaming would do our heads in, and wake us up more, its not maternal or nurturing in my opinion to let an innocent, unknowing baby to cry in distress without comforting them.
   So, we have a dilemma, Co-sleeping is not recommended, although a lot of parents do this. Neither Adam or myself want to start a habit that will take years to break, but my little bear is so much happier next to me in bed and I get a better nights rest for it. What do we do?

I continue to try to coax him to his own bed, and like I say, sometimes he does accept this, but not always. Are we starting a bad habit? Are we sacrificing our relationship already by allowing little one to share our bed? Or are we following nature like so many other species of mammals who co-sleep with their young. Are these few years precious enough that we can forsake strict advice and allow Lincoln free rule at nighttime? Are we spoiling him already? or are we nurturing him lovingly?
All these questions first time parents face and no one can really answer, only time will tell. But I wanted to share as our first main dilemma we face as parents.

40 weeks photo

35 weeks photo

33 weeks photo

31 weeks photo

24 weeks photo

Surprise Baby Shower

My sister in law Stacey offered to take me shopping for some baby stuff and to get some lunch so I was well up for that, I've been feeling pretty crap with the pain in my back and generally feeling exhausted. When she picked me up she said we'd got to go for something to eat now because she hadn't eaten and was starving. Okay then, we hadn't discussed where we were going, but she headed down the main road so I figured it was towards the Macdonald's but as she pulled out at the lights she practically barked that we were going for a carvery because she fancied carvery. Okay then, I should point out you generally do not argue with my sister in law, and she seemed pretty damn keen so I was like yeah whatever, just go with it.

When we got to the Carvery house we walked in and Stacey asked me if we had to wait to be seated, since I'd been here before I knew I just helped myself to a seat, I was about to point to the quiet part of the place when Stacey said "I'm going to look at the food!" Jesus Christ, the woman must be starving! we hadn't even sat down yet and she was marching over to the food counter! I followed her and then noticed a work friend Michaela sitting on the end of a large table, I figured she was with her family but I was going to head over and say hello when I saw she was sat next to Denise another work friend. Michaela saw me and immediately looked away bright red. Well I was not surprised, those two have obviously come out for a meal and not bothered to invite me! Charming! and now she is avoiding my gaze, so I started over there to give a piece of my mind and as I approached I saw Becky sat at the same table as Michaela's family and only then did I realise it wasn't Michaela's family at all, but a large table of all my female family members and friends. A big blue sign said it was Sian's Baby Shower and my niece Katelyn came bouncing up to hug me as I started crying.

Stacey who I thought had gone to the food was around the corner with my other sister in laws and I was completely overwhelmed. I'd had no idea, in fact Stacey had told me a month or so before hand that Baby Showers were stupid and American, so I never expected such an event planned out for me.

Natalie, one of my dearest friends, and my sister in laws had planned the whole event out between them, there were games Natalie organised, and table treats, and my sisters had bought an amazing gorgeous cake! We all had food, and I was blown away by all the presents. On opening them all the next morning I found everything I needed for baby, things I'd worried about needing but hadn't gotten around to yet, and clothes for him. Truly surprised and thankful for such a lovely surprise.

Mom body acceptance

Remember I mentioned some time ago that I'd become so body conscious of my pregnant figure that I'd been hiding my naked self from Adam for months... post pregnant, my body has not improved, however I simply have accepted this is what I look like right now.

It was the birth that gave me this freedom. I was nearly naked and went through the hardest ordeal of my life, with Adam there every step of the way. He saw everything, the blood, the horror, the baby the placenta. He said there was so much blood after the birth it was like a murder scene. Afterwards, with legs up in stirrups and so many medical staff in and out, you lose all dignity as a woman. I cant count how many people saw my privates! I had practically lost the use of my legs, the stitches hurt a lot and it was hard to move on and off the bed.

Having to stay in hospital meant I had to use their facilities which was no easy task. The lowest moment was when Adam had to help me in and out of a bath. My ruined marked body, absolutely starker's, bared completely and in that moment my soul was bared too. I cannot describe the kind of bond that's built between a couple after a birth. The horror we've just witnessed together, the recovery process and having to depend on my man to be there for me, which he has been every second, and looking after this little human we've made together.

I now find my insecurities have just disappeared because for the first time I am accepting that this is my body right now, and Adam is my love and he's accepted it along with me. I know I wont stay this way forever, I'll diet and exercise and I'm going to train my body back to fitness, but for the time being I'm ok with looking the way I do, because I've made and birthed and nursed a human being, and I survived. My body right now is physical evidence I survived the hardest experience of my life and I am blessed with a baby boy in exchange.

Nappy changes -BOY's wee

As if changing eight nappies a day wasn't enough, every time I change Lincolns nappy his little winky goes shooting around left, right, up in the air whizzing wee over me, over himself, up the wall. 8am, half asleep from being up in the night, and he whizzes a tremendous arch of piss, which pools on the waterproof changing mat and promptly runs up so my boy is lying in a puddle of urine, its soaked his clothes and all the back of his hair. Great!

So we have to get him stripped off and wash all his back and hair, and re-clothe him.

And he'll poop and wait until I've cleaned him up and changed his nappy and re-clothed him before deciding "I'm going to poop again" with a huge loud windpipe noise, I can't believe it, over and over again.

How about the time he'd pooped in his nappy and as I was changing him, he wrestled his leg out of my grip and planted his foot right in his dirty nappy. Awesome kid, just awesome, now the shit's all up his leg and in his toes. Another wash required!

Best to date, is I'd just cleaned up poop, and I was putting the new nappy underneath his bottom when he farted like a trooper and boom, a jet of mustard yellow poop comes splattering all over my hand, up my arm, all over the changing mat, its literally everywhere. I was holding his wriggling feet with my clean hand and trying to sort out the horrific mess with my pooped on hand. Urgh!

I've had my PJ's whizzed on and I've found too much nappy cream makes his nappy leak when he whizzes so his bed linen has gotten soaked and his sleepsuits. Note to new moms: You can never have enough cot sheets, blankets, vests and sleepsuits. Everything else is secondary. Have plenty of these items in stock. Our washing machine is constantly on!

Breast feeding

I'm a 100% for breastfeeding.

All through the pregnancy I have said without quibble that I will be breastfeeding, and I've scoffed when people have suggested I might not be able to. In my mind, nothing was going to prevent me from feeding my child the way nature intended. One good thing about being in hospital for a week is that I had a Lactation consultant on hand all day so if I ran into any trouble or had a question, she was there to support and advise.

I was initially worried my baby wouldn't latch because I'd missed out on that precious first hour of skin to skin contact and by the time I was able to cuddle and nurse him I was worried he wouldn't feel secure enough in the bond to feed. Whether it was luck or nature, I can't say but my baby opened his mouth wide and I cradled him to my breast for the first time and after a few painful twinges he was latched and he fed perfectly. Since then I've had no trouble attaching him and he's fed sometimes for ten minutes, other times it's been a stretch of forty minutes.

The hospital ward was so hot I could only sit in my bra and a pair of Adam's boxers to feel semi-comfortable, sweat was pouring out of me, especially when nursing. So cover ups went out of the non existent window. Everyone in that maternity unit has seen my boob! Half the family has seen my boob now! Adams brother has seen my boob! I've lost all hang ups about that, I was in too much of a worn out, crashed out state to care. Maybe that's why baby has taken to it so well, because he can sense his mother doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks anymore haha!

I will say there was a first time Mom next to me who really struggled to breast feed her baby, but continued to persevere so I know its not a walk in the park for everyone, but persistence and relaxation is key.

If I am stressing it, my baby stresses too. I have to be calm and assertive without getting irritable and then I find baby latches on and feeds perfectly. If he unlatches himself or I find its uncomfortable I just gently pop him off and reposition him. Even though breast feeding means you feed baby on demand, which can be constantly, you still have to maintain control while nursing. You position baby, you hold baby in a way that feels right and you lead the way.

There are so many benefits to breast feeding, the first three days was pure colostrum, the best nourishment for a newborn anyone can offer. My real milk came in on day four. Yes it's tiring, and yes sometimes I feel like a cow, no one else can just offer to feed him to give me a break. Sometimes were up all night, and at 2 weeks 3 days old he fed almost constantly from 1pm-8pm, with just 5-10 min breaks every half hour, enough for me to have a toilet break, drink and swap boob!
But the benefits of breast feeding far outweigh the negatives.

Breast milk dispenses immediately, at the right temperature, so when my baby cries it lasts all of 30seconds before boob is available to him keeping him happy and quiet.

No waiting for formula in the kitchen at 2am, I don't even have to leave bed.

No sterilising bottles.

No need to burp a Breast fed baby, as no air is being sucked up. The occasional burp happens but its rare.

Less risk of colic or reflux, again because no air is being sucked up.

Breast milk contains all the mothers antibodies and helps build babies immune system.

If I inhale any germ, my milk immediately starts to change to offer immunity against that germ

Breasts supply as much milk as baby requires, so if baby feeds more hungrily your breasts develop more milk supply to keep up with demand.

Breast feeding reduces risk of SIDs, which was the main reason I was adamant about feeding this way.

Breast feeding makes the uterus shrink back faster and it helps with weight loss due to all the calories it burns.

and it secures a bond between mother and child, no one else will ever have. These precious weeks-months that I exclusively breast feed, it will build a bond nothing can come between. Even though he wont remember this, I will and this is our special time together, not his dad, or his family can have this with him. The most natural thing in the world.

Scared of everything

I’ve been asked if I’ve found parenthood harder than I thought it would be, mostly I would say no, because I anticipated the night feeds, the dozen nappy changes a day, the eating cold food because I don’t get a spare minute to myself yet etc. What I am truly finding hard is the constant worry.

I’ve always been a brave person, I’m not scared of much. Suddenly I am terrified of everything. I’m scared to sleep or leave the room in case my baby stops breathing. I’m scared to take him outside in case an insect stings him, or a person coughs germs on him. I’m scared of pushing the pram by main roads, (I live in the city so practically every road is a busy one). My stress levels are through the roof, I just want to put myself and my baby in a world proof safety bubble and keep us there, forever!

Are all new moms this neurotic? I know I am paranoid and that I sound like the typical over anxious and irrational mom but I can’t help it. It’s only the beginning, I know deep down that no matter how much I force myself out and about with my baby, and how many times I calm myself down, I’ll be worrying about him for the rest of my life. It goes with the territory I suppose.

First night home

They finally released us from hospital at 10:30pm. Fresh air never felt so good. Stacey drove us home and after nearly a week away, my house finally felt like a proper home. I looked into my living room, a bit mystified. The last time I'd been here, I was in agony screaming into a pillow. 

I cried a bit from the happiness and relief of returning home, feeling lucky to be alive and with my precious boy who was currently asleep in his car-seat. 

I had set up a moses basket with rocking stand in our room for baby to sleep in. I immediately moved it so it was nestled as close to my side of the bed as possible. Then for the rest of the night I couldn't sleep. Every time I lay down I couldn't see my baby, which stressed me out. The cot at the hospital was clear plastic so I could always see him through the side, and I'd gotten used to that. I kept freaking out scared that he would stop breathing and I missed that orange button you could push for a midwife at any time of day or night. Suddenly there was no medical staff on hand, no medical equipment and we were alone with our baby, his safety and health completely in our hands. I just stared over his crib for most of the night watching his little chest rise and fall. 

It only took a few days before I couldn't hack the moses basket anymore, and we bought a next to me crib with drop down side. Now I was more chilled, so I highly recommend these for first time parents. I can now glance over whenever I need to and see that baby is doing fine during the night, and when he wakes for a feed I can slide him over to me, nurse him in bed and then slide him back to his own crib. Its better for peace of mind and for my own sleep needs.

Baby blues

Baby blues.

The morning of day three in hospital, it was maybe 4am, 5am. I’d been awake all night with Lincoln crying and I didn’t know what to do. He would only be quiet if I held him, and I kept worrying he’d stop breathing if I put him in his cot. So I stayed awake all night holding him and rocking him and I was exhausted. I kept thinking how everyone on the ward must think I was a terrible mother who couldn’t keep her baby settled. I missed Adam so much it hurt. In 2 years we’d not spent a night a part, ever since moving into the house. I couldn’t stand being in this clinical ward, with these other women, under temperatures suitable for the amazon jungle and not able to see the sky or smell fresh air. I missed my family, most of whom were miles away. My baby was being pumped with antibiotics and so was I, I had no idea if he’d be ok, constantly waiting for updates on his blood results. I felt in that moment utterly alone, looking at my baby who seemed as upset as I was, and it would be hours before Adam was allowed back onto the ward. Tears came then, I cried because I missed Adam, because I was so tired, because I was so fed up with the hospital. I then felt guilty, how could I be so upset when I had a wonderful little baby? I’d waited so long for this and now I was crying on my bedside. The midwife caught me, she said day three is baby blues, and perfectly normal. I cried more throughout the following days, when they told me we had to stay longer than expected, when we finally got to go home, just holding my baby thinking how lovely he is. The following week would be an emotional roller-coaster, up and down, up and down, but it did pass. With lots of support from my family, especially my sister in law Stacey who has seen more tears from me than most people and her advice and support has kept me sane half the time. I still feel teary at moments, just thinking about returning to work and having to leave my precious boy has me welling up, but I know every bridge I have to cross I am capable of crossing, and that’s the important thing.

The Labour.

(Disclaimer: Some readers may find detail upsetting. Mention of medical procedures.)

10:30am Thursday- Waters broke. The stupid cow at the hospital tried to tell me they had not broken, until I moved and it practically went in her face. We were told to go home and wait for the pains or to come back at 8am the following day as that would be the day for inducing anyway.

2:28am Friday 13^th - I awoke with the pains, mild cramps in my lower belly and I thought “uh oh! Its finally started, two weeks over due and a day away from being induced, my labour is finally here” I was excited and prepared.

I waited until 3am to phone the hospital and alert them that my labour had started, I’d timed contractions which were surprisingly 2-3 minutes a part but the pains were very mild. They advised me to wait until they became very painful. I told Adam to stay in bed and sleep because he’d need his rest, and I headed downstairs to watch some TV and bounce on my birth ball practicing my breathing techniques. I’d been practicing these for months and I was so mentally prepared I was practically cocky and smug while I rocked and rolled on my huge birth ball. “Oh yeah,” I thought as it hit 4am “I am so a natural at this, I’m doing great” I was texting my cousin and I was reading a book on kindle, then everything changed, rapidly.

By 4:30am I’d gone from absolutely fine, breathing through mild cramps, to crying into a pillow, hanging over the sofa on all fours as my belly felt like it was being ripped a part. I tried several times to get through to the hospital, now finding the line just ringing out. I was starting to panic because this was too painful, too fast. This was only the beginning! I staggered upstairs to wake Adam who jumped into logical calm mode and told me to relax while he checked we had everything we needed. It was 5am, I calculated quickly that my dad would have already left for work and my two brothers and their wives were an hour away from leaving for a weekend holiday. We potentially had time to get hold of them.

I phoned Stacey, my sister in law, and she flew into action racing up the road in her car to collect us and our hospital bags. I was screaming, the pain was coming in waves, crashing through my body every minute. What had happened to my breathing method? I could barely stand on my feet, let alone focus on my inhalation. I could hear Adam and Stacey timing between my cries of pain and my panting breath, it was every minute. I could feel the panic in Stacey’s voice, she thought I was going to have this baby in her car. I repeated over and over that I had only started a few hours ago, that the hospital had told me to wait, but this pain came on so fast I was scared shitless.

We arrived at the hospital at 5:30am, said goodbye to Stacey and headed into the clinical white lights. The journey up the elevator and through the corridors seemed to take forever, I was hunched over and tears were still running down my face. I had on the most stupid brightly coloured summer dress, the first thing to come to hand. They bundled me on a bed and finally I got hold of the Gas and Air….I’ll take a moment now to say, what truly wonderful stuff that is. Sucking on that pipe, I clung to it like a lifeline keeping me from falling into the flames of Hell. I remembered what mom said, to only suck on the gas when the pains were happening otherwise it would make me delirious, but the pains were coming constantly. My memory does fade in and out for the next few hours, the gas and air was wonderful at first, and I was four cm dilated on arrival so I knew things were happening. I kept apologising for making such a fuss, I hated that I was one of those women screaming, I thought I’d be a trooper and cope so well, I was wrong.

The pain in my spine was excruciating, I was writhing around on the bed and I was so hot I thought I would combust. My whole body was raging in heat. Several men came flooding into the room. The whole time Adam was at my side like a pillar of stone, keeping me safe. They plugged IV’s into my hands to pump me with antibiotics because my temperature had spiked and there was a risk of infection. Get this dress off me! It’s strangling me, they got it off and I was in my bra. Vaguely I thought of the nightie I bought specially which was still in my bag. I could feel my body pushing, a pressure so hard it was grinding against every nerve I had in my back. My birth plan was a page and half long, said things like: NO pethidine, NO Epidural, I want as natural as possible. I don’t want any interference unless absolutely necessary. ….My birth plan, was BULLSHIT. I started to ask for more pain relief when the gas and air stopped helping, I wanted something stronger, I demanded they give me the pethidine, I wanted it now.

“It’s too late, you’re already 9.5cm, you’ve contracted very fast, it will probably just slow the labour now”

What!! I couldn’t believe it, I’d missed my chance! So I sucked deeper on the gas and I was now pushing. The midwife was telling me to do what my body was telling me, but my body was telling me this baby was ripping me a part. I moved to be on all fours but soon the Doctor made me roll onto my back because the IV’s were too tangled. They kept saying they couldn’t keep babies heartbeat, I couldn’t keep still, the pain was rushing through my stomach down into my privates and my spine was breaking! They hauled my legs into stirrups and the Doctor took the gas and air off me! I wasn’t pushing well enough while taking the gas, I needed to do this on my own breathing. I thought I was going to die. Every contraction my baby’s heartbeat was dropping, I was so scared I pushed so hard, three big pushes every contraction, squeezing Adams hand so hard focussing on his voice. God my back was splitting open, it was agony, the Doctor cut me down below, and helped to get the baby’s head out, they said it was out, I pushed again and the pain in my spine vanished instantly, like magic, it was 9:25am, my 9.3lbs baby was purple and wet and lifted onto my body, his head was covered in wet black hair, I touched a finger to his hair, shaking, he wasn’t crying. They cut his cord so fast and took him away, he was across the room under a bright light and two men were with him and he started crying and I kept asking if he was ok and they assured me he was ok, but they needed to take him away to get him an IV for antibiotics. I didn’t want him taken away, he seemed to be gone for ages. They injected me for delivering the placenta, but it didn’t come immediately, nearly half an hour went by and the doctor said they would prep theatre if it didn’t come in the next few minutes, I heard the word theatre and pushed again with all the strength I had left and thankfully it came then. The doctor gave me the gas and air again while he stitched me back up, and I don’t remember a lot about that because I sucked on that gas like a trooper, but my baby was still out of the room and I wanted him back.

Finally they wheeled him back in and he was back underneath the bright light, I could see him wrapped up with a hat that was too big on his head, he was so far away across the room, I was desperate to hold him. Adam dressed him and although it took so long before he was in my arms, the moment I held him and put him to my breast and he latched on, I knew I was a Mother and that I would do anything, survive anything, fight anything, for my son.

Overdue

We're overdue, more than a week. As every day comes and goes and still no sign of labour I get more irritable and highly strung out. Two other women I know have already had their babies and I am still sat here waiting for mine. Every time I stand up I expect my waters to break. Every time I move a member of my family is poised holding their breath hoping something starts.

I've had two sweeps and both were extremely uncomfortable and I gritted my teeth hoping it would start me off. The pain in my lower back is killing me, I can barely walk now. My belly is huge and hanging heavily on my spine, I can't sleep through the pain, I struggle up and down the stairs and every time I sit on the toilet my knees are aching with every bend. I desperately, desperately want this pregnancy over, once I have my baby it will all be worth it and I can start to recover.

We've tried exercises, I've been drinking raspberry leaf tea every day, we've even had sex several times to try and bring this labour on but still nothing. It's the most frustrating wait of my life.

baby movements

A couple of times I've not felt baby move for hours and hours and we've gone rushing to the hospital to get monitored and every time I've been relieved when they've picked up his little heartbeat and I've heard it beating. More recently I am getting more and more worked up. He usually moves and kicks me so much that as soon as several hours go by without any feeling, I start to panic. We've come so far now I just want him here to hold him and know he's ok. While he's inside I keep worrying that something is going to go wrong before the end, I hate it.

I want him here now so badly it's like an ache.

Body conscious, week 35

I've become a whale.
My breasts, belly, thighs, legs, fingers, feet, face have all swollen, and I look like a beached whale. My breasts have lost their perkiness, and my nipples are bigger. My belly button has nearly popped out. I've lost my colour, paling and looking constantly worn out. I hobble everywhere now because the pelvic girdle pain is bowing my hips.

I'm in a state of panic about Adam seeing my body the way it is, so I'm hiding away and not letting him see me with my clothes off. I know my body has to go through these changes to have a baby but I was not mentally prepared for how drastically my looks would change. I feel like an ugly, huge, waddling freak. I hate it. I hate feeling fat and I hate thinking I'll never feel sexy again.

The other morning, I got out of the shower, came into the bedroom and we've had a new mirror put up. I saw myself naked in the mirror and burst into tears. I sat sobbing on the edge of the bed for a good while, thinking I'll never look right again. I've become a grotesque monster. No woman should feel this way, its a harsh reality to face, I haven't felt this ugly since I was thirteen. No...I take that back, I have NEVER felt this ugly before.

Pelvic girdle pain

For weeks there's been a severe shooting pain going up the right hand side of my spine. Every time I am sat in my desk at work it doesn't matter what position, I find this shooting pain sears up my back like a sharp knife. I've spent ten minutes at a time locked in the work toilet on my hands and knees rocking to try to dispel the pain and gone back to my desk feeling broken. My hips are aching every day and walking is becoming so hard now.

Finally after consistently ending up in tears at work, I've referred to a physiotherapist, they've said my pelvis has softened or some such, common in pregnancy and that I need to finish work earlier than I planned as best they can do is recommend bed rest and if I have to walk about to use crutches to help even out the pressure.
I wanted to work nearly until my due date so I am not happy, and I've gone in such a rush I hardly got to say a proper goodbye to everyone.

The crutches don't help, every passing day the pain in my back gets worse and if I stand for more than twenty minutes my hip feels as if it's going to dislocate from the joint. I would do anything to rid my body of this back pain, never in my life can I imagine anything worse. Even the labour must be a doddle compared to this constant searing agony.

Gender scan

We're having a boy!
I knew it would be. I felt it in my bones, I knew I was due to have a son.
All my wishes have been answered, a baby and its a boy.

Although we're not agreeing 100% on the name, and we're telling people we haven't decided, I know his name. I've known his name from the very beginning.

My son will be called Lincoln. I will only change my mind if Adam agrees to Elvis, and I don't see that happening. So my son will be Lincoln and he will be a gorgeous, strong individual.

Lincoln Jones. My boy.