Baby blues

Baby blues.

The morning of day three in hospital, it was maybe 4am, 5am. I’d been awake all night with Lincoln crying and I didn’t know what to do. He would only be quiet if I held him, and I kept worrying he’d stop breathing if I put him in his cot. So I stayed awake all night holding him and rocking him and I was exhausted. I kept thinking how everyone on the ward must think I was a terrible mother who couldn’t keep her baby settled. I missed Adam so much it hurt. In 2 years we’d not spent a night a part, ever since moving into the house. I couldn’t stand being in this clinical ward, with these other women, under temperatures suitable for the amazon jungle and not able to see the sky or smell fresh air. I missed my family, most of whom were miles away. My baby was being pumped with antibiotics and so was I, I had no idea if he’d be ok, constantly waiting for updates on his blood results. I felt in that moment utterly alone, looking at my baby who seemed as upset as I was, and it would be hours before Adam was allowed back onto the ward. Tears came then, I cried because I missed Adam, because I was so tired, because I was so fed up with the hospital. I then felt guilty, how could I be so upset when I had a wonderful little baby? I’d waited so long for this and now I was crying on my bedside. The midwife caught me, she said day three is baby blues, and perfectly normal. I cried more throughout the following days, when they told me we had to stay longer than expected, when we finally got to go home, just holding my baby thinking how lovely he is. The following week would be an emotional roller-coaster, up and down, up and down, but it did pass. With lots of support from my family, especially my sister in law Stacey who has seen more tears from me than most people and her advice and support has kept me sane half the time. I still feel teary at moments, just thinking about returning to work and having to leave my precious boy has me welling up, but I know every bridge I have to cross I am capable of crossing, and that’s the important thing.